So, you know, it’s the usual.

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Random Shit

Update: I don’t think I embarrassed myself, but I did say the same thing over and over and over. I won’t know anything until mid-December so until then I’m just drinking heavily to celebrate the fact that the interview is D-O-N-E.

Okay, so it’s glaringly obvious I haven’t posted in here in a month or so. The lowdown: I have a job interview tomorrow, I’m trying to juggling my current job with my other job (my small business) and I’m bouncing balls all over the place. It’s also that season where there are parties and obligations that, though my shrink tells me differently, I absolutely cannot say no to. Also, BB and I have been sick – that icky sick where you don’t know what you have, you’re not gonna waste a $65 copay to find out, and if you could just sleep uninterrupted for 4 days, you’d be fine.

Incidentally, you all are fabulous. I have no specific reason for that, other than to give you a compliment so you’ll continue to read. Wish me good vibes for tomorrow at 10am, when I will surely put my foot in my mouth over and over, only answer half the interview questions and be laughed at after I leave the room. Yes, I’ve done this before.

TRUST ME.

Caution: Accent vlog. View at your own risk.

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Good Stuff, Lamenting, Random Shit, WTF?

This is the accent vlog that’s going around amongst those Blatherers that leave for Austin next weekend. I did it, I’m not especially proud of it since it’s my first foray into the world of the webcam and I’m doing this weird stage whisper thing because Brian’s asleep. And…full disclosure: I had already taken my Ambien before I started this which accounts for the slightly groggy, Valley Girl-esque vibe. Although upon further review, this is boring as ALL HELL. I feel so much sorrier for the students in my classes now. Plus, the video is super grainy and why? I’ll be damned if I know. I gotta say: watching yourself on camera is JUST SO DISTURBING.

The notes for what I’m talking about are below. Apparently I forgot the part where I’m supposed to talk about where I’m from and why I pronounce things the way I do. I’m from right outside of Raleigh, NC, have lived in North Carolina mostly all my life, and that accounts for everything that comes out of my mouth, I’m afraid.

Say the following words:
Aunt, route, wash, oil, theatre, iron, salmon, caramel, fire, water, sure, data, ruin, crayon, toilet, New Orleans, pecan, both, again, probably, spitting image, Alabama, lawyer, coupon, mayonnaise, syrup, pajamas, caught
And answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that curls into a ball when you touch it?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

Here goes. Maybe just laugh quietly to yourself, ok?

Elusive Sleep, Part II

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Lamenting, Muse, Totally normal

For the past few weeks, maybe longer, I’ve been lying awake for HOURS trying to get to sleep. I’ve been taking Ambien for quite a while – not a secret – and it helps me stay asleep like a charm. But getting there, Y’ALL. It’s like…something really hard. I can’t think of anything right now.

Some nights I turn on Pandora and try to choose something soothing, but inevitably I either sing along to the songs, get annoyed with Pandora’s choices or just get annoyed in general that I’m having to listen to something. Other nights I try to meditate, but my mind OH HOW IT WANDERS. There have to be ways to quiet my mind at bedtime. Just before writing this I made a list of all the things I’m worried about or that weigh heavily on my thoughts. The plan, you see, is that this would take all those thoughts out of my head and deposit them somewhere else for safekeeping until tomorrow.

Not so much. That list has 19 things on it. NINETEEN. Granted, some of them I listed twice. Some of them are weirdo health things that are most likely anxiety induced but worry me just the same. Some of them are work related and some are holiday stuff. Yes, YES I AM ALREADY WORRIED ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS. Where will we spend Christmas? What am I getting everyone? Will there be enough money to go around for the entire family? What if there isn’t? What if I can’t convince family members that we should skip gifts this year and do something good for the planet and/or its people?

And then there’s the weird paranoia that I’m not supposed to talk about on the Internet but that has to do with…a word that rhymes with jerk. But not spelled that way, IF YOU GET MY CRAZY SUBTLE CLUES. Which leads me to think about my list of things I need to do tomorrow, and why not just worry about them now instead of waiting until the morning? If I think hard enough about it now surely the answer will come to me, yes? And if I consult my Google calendar 42 times in the next 15 minutes than surely I’ll be prepared for all my appointments tomorrow, yes?

Help me stop the madness, y’all. There’s a yoga class I want to join this week but I am the opposite of flexible, and I don’t have a mat and is it okay to wear pajamas to yoga? Because that’s not so much relaxing sounding in my head. And then I could take a hot shower but wet head in the bed? No way. Milk? I’ll just have to pee more. All the lights out for quiet time? Obviously you’re not listening.

And yes, before you ask, I consume caffeine. Two Coke Zeroes a day at max, and I try really hard to quit at noon. So the solution for tonight is to write it all down right here and hope for the best.

Wish me luck, y’all.

I went down to the river to pray

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to

Every day I cross the river that bisected our lives for so many years. Tonight, though, I cry tonight for the relationships and friendships that have fallen away. I have loved so many in my life, so hard and with a fervor that is rarely reciprocated. When I pray silently at night, I ask for strength and wisdom. I ask God to allow me to see things through others’ eyes, so that I may learn how to look at the world in a completely different way.

Tonight I prayed that you both were here, holding the other end of the telephone, whispering the words I so need to hear. I long for the time when I could hold the hands of either of you – so strong with age  – and feel the skin that is the history of my skin.

The tears running down my cheeks tonight are stained with ink and shimmer, in dark contrast to the prayerful visions I have of the peaceful river dividing us. My heart is full with memories of so much pure unconditional love. Unless one day I have a child, I imagine few if any of those moments will return.

Distances – rivers, canyons, deserts, mountains  – all separate me from ones I love dearly, that I ache to see when I feel like this. When my self-paranoia rises like a phoenix and towers over my mundane responsibilities, I need to touch the hand that feels familiar to me. I want to look into the eyes that really really know me. And most of all I want to know that the arms that hold me are arms that will always love me. They will love my flaws, my rambling stories and my dirty kitchen.

Every season, every equinox, spurs on the promise of new life. Each of us has made it across a tributary to another side of our river. New seasons bring new opportunities to love again, to look at love in a different light. We have a chance to start all over, this time with the crunch of leaves or chill in the air.

This time with the promise of unconditional love.

What I should be doing right now.

Posted by Elizabeth in Daily, Listing, Muse

At Ray LaMontagne Monday night in Cary

Right now:

1. There are about 42 half-written blog posts scattered on the desktops of three different computers.

2. I’m coming down off the high of having slept for almost EIGHT HOURS, Y’ALL.

3. One of my best and oldest friends has a brand spanking new baby girl and I am dying to get my hands on her.

4. There is the prospect of spending Thanksgiving (!) with one of my other oldest and best friends.

5. I am loving that I spent Monday night dancing and twirling with my brother.

6. Also loving that I spent all of last week and the beginning of this week celebrating my birthday.

7. (Which included wearing a crown and declaring it “birthday week.”)

8. There are piles and piles of paper on my desk, most of it written by students whose names I still do not know.

9. I need to make some tough choices for the fall, i.e. do I choose The Blathering, vacation with my husband, or a really quick trip to see the baby?

10. My wallet will not let me do anything I want to do; it will only make me do things I hate.

11. I am itching to go back to school but I can’t afford it and I don’t know what I would do once I got there.

12. I am relying on Coke Zero to be my everything.