New post on The (Not) Mama: http://wp.me/pOtVR-s. The one where I talk about stuff that’s really none of my business, until I made it that way.
Top of the mornin’ to ya!
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Another list of shit that I feel I should share with you
Posted on February 22, 2010 by Elizabeth
Today is Monday. I didn’t sleep well, therefore I am lazy. Here is a list. I don’t know about you, but I’ve already forgotten 2009, what with it being the almost-end of February and all. This is a reminder.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Went to a psychiatrist.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Made some, forget them, couldn’t care less about them, didn’t make them this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Good God. You people need to stop over-populating this earth because you’re making the rest of us look bad.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
More people that I’d like to count.
5. What countries did you visit?
You mean like “out in the country?” Because I went plenty of places out in the country. I went to that one field with the horses, I went to that farm with the old barn…oh wait. You meant like other than the US. So, no.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A book deal.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Inauguration Day. My birthday. That’s it.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I went to get my head fixed. Oh, and I didn’t kill anybody. I always give myself props for that.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not killing anybody.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I suffer everyday from being hot all the time. And not in that I’m-too-sexy-for-this-cardigan way, but in the turn-up-the-goddamn-AC way.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Appliances. All of them.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine.
14. Where did most of your money go?
To the town, who jacks up my utilities to over $500 a month. You simple bastards. You rotten thieves. I change my answer to #13 to the TOWN HALL.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Drugs.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
“Blame It on the Alcohol” because I do.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. It’s the drugs.
b) thinner or fatter? Like a burger?
c) richer or poorer? I don’t count my money. It’s better that way, because then I can’t honestly say whether or not you will get my payment on time.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Graduating.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Waiting around for Kelly Cutrone’s new show.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Of 2010? Fuck if I know.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yes. With my shoes. All over again.
22. How many one-night stands?
Oh baby, I had the BEST one-night stand that one night back in 1998 with… Oh. Huh. Yeah. Just kidding.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
This question is just retarded.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Always! Don’t hate the game, hate the PLAYA.
25. What was the best book you read?
The Help. READ IT NOW.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
This question is also retarded.
27. What did you want and get?
Drugs.
28. What did you want and not get?
Drugs.
29. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
Yeah so, what movies came out again?
30. What did you do on your birthday?
Cowered in my office hiding from The Boogie Man.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
That book deal no one seems to want to give me.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Bah! My “concept” is that I’m pretty sure I don’t have one. My personal fashion is made up of a covetable shoe collection and some ugly-ass clothes.
33. What kept you sane?
Drugs.
Filed under: Addiction to, Anxiety, Daily, Listing, Muse, Random Shit | 2 Comments »
My days as a doorwoman are numbered
Posted on February 19, 2010 by Elizabeth
So I took your advice and wrote a letter. It’s a mean, mean, mean letter with lots of accusations and name-calling and right towards the end I realized what I was so mad about to begin with. Whew. I really feel a small load off my shoulders already and perhaps I will sleep better tonight. Here’s hoping. One letter down, 6,000 to go. (I am really mad, people.)
In other news, I have to share with you a new purchase BB and I made last week. I think I’ve talked about this before, but in case I haven’t, you should know that we are slaves to our cats. Lucy and Charlie are brother and sister tuxedo cats, they weight about 15 lbs. each, and they run. our. lives. We make grocery store trips just to get them food, when we need nothing else. We stand at doors and windows waiting for them to make up their minds about whether or not they want to brave the elements. We change the temperature of the house just to calm them down, and we cater to their every single solitary need.
We are crazy. Enter the purchase.
One of the major problems we have is that our cats like to hop in the windows when they’re ready to come inside. They [not so] patiently wait while we haul ourselves up from wherever we were, and they cry and howl and scratch until we let them in. Regardless of whether or not it’s 3am. Regardless of whether or not we’re in REM sleep. So after 6 years of this complete and utter nonsense, we finally broke down and ordered this:
It was remarkably easy to install (you just pop it in the window – it has springs) and I was delighted to discover that it fit our window easy as could be. The hard part though is training those beasts to use it. I shoved them through two or three times from both outside and inside, and Charlie is still scared to death of it while Lucy is too lazy to attempt it.
This HAS to work, or someone isn’t going to make it in my house much longer. Frankly, that door could have cost a month’s paycheck and I would have paid it because I’m so desperate for a break. But y’all, if they can’t get used to it, and I still have to play rock paper scissors with BB to see who opens the window, I’m not kidding…I will inflict damage.
Either that, or someone’s getting a revenge letter from me.
Filed under: Daily | 3 Comments »
You make me crazy when…
Posted on February 18, 2010 by Elizabeth
…You ask me if I’m cold. Seriously? Have we met? I’ve never been cold a day in my life. It’s like I have one foot in hell already.
Filed under: You make me crazy when | 2 Comments »
The Unforgiven
Posted on February 17, 2010 by Elizabeth
So apparently I have some forgiving to do. Let me start at the beginning:
I have never, not one time in my life, ever forgiven a person. If you wrong me, I might slap a smile on my face and pretend that shit didn’t go down, but really I’m still holding a grudge. Really, every time I look at you from here on out, I’ll be thinking You son of a bitch YOU, I will never EVER forget what you did to me.
Apparently this is not healthy. Where was I when they had Forgiveness Day at school?
Early on in January, my doctor finally got my meds on the straight and narrow such that I am able to mostly function throughout the day and sleep more than 3 hours a night. (WOO HOO! SLAM DUNK, BITCHES!) But I started noticing a weird side effect, not which hadn’t happened to me before, but which was happening with more frequency than usual: I was beating the shit out of people in my dreams.
Of course I’m not going to name names here people, I’m not that much of a monster, but I will say that I did some damage. And if I didn’t slap/kick/punch hard enough, I would do it again and again juuuuust to make sure I got the job done.
(Are you disturbed by me yet? It’s okay. You’re not alone.)
I would wake up from these dreams and still be pissed until lunchtime. My phone might ring, the beaten person would be at the other end, and I’d be all Whaaaat? Didn’t you learn your lesson last night? Yeah, that’s not okay.
So I went to my therapist a couple of weeks ago and asked her about these dreams and she said that a) it could just be an unfortunate side effect of one of my medicines or b) I have some really stuck-up-in-there anger that needs to be sucked out. After that I went to my doctor, and she said that bizarro dreams such as mine are actually very symbolic (and she showed me the brain and the section and the whatever to the such and such to explain all this) and that I needed to work closely with my therapist to discover where my issues lie (lay? lie? I never got the hang of that).
I told her to give me more Ambien.
Back to the therapist, who has encouraged me to write letters to the people at whom I’m apparently angry. The whole twist on this scenario is that I didn’t know I was angry! I mean, really. I was not aware that, walking around with this big old smile on my face, I was actually seething underneath it all. I’m totally not lying, y’all.
So my appointment is Friday, and these letters I’m supposedly writing are supposed to be read to my therapist as if I were reading them to the person they’re intended for. And I can scream and yell and cry and whatever at HER, and then it will be out of my system.
Supposedly.
But my question to you is this: how am I supposed to write these letters and get over my anger if I can’t tell the people I hate that I hate them? I’m no therapist obviously, but how does that shit work, exactly?
By the way, don’t sweat it if you get a letter in the mail from me. It’s probably a birthday card.
Filed under: Addiction to, Anxiety, Family, Muse, Totally normal | 5 Comments »
