Hell called. It wants its heat back.

22 Jul

Those weather people. So creative.

I’ll go ahead and warn you up front: this entire post is a long, drawn out complaint about the heat. Ready? Here goes:

1. It’s so hot that my ass sticks to everything.

2. It’s so hot that pipes can’t produce cold water.

3. It’s so hot that birds don’t have the energy to shit on my car.

4. It’s so hot that my deodorant doesn’t work anymore; I stink by 9am.

5. It’s so hot here that no one is at the pool.

6. It’s so hot that being naked won’t even cool you off.

7. It’s too hot to eat.

8. It’s too hot to sleep.

9. It’s almost too hot to type.

10. It’s so hot my cactus plants are dying.

11. It’s hot enough to melt my jewelry.

12. It’s so hot my coworker’s windshield exploded. True story.

I would write more, but frankly, it’s just too hot. And this is enough complaining for one afternoon. I wish you all a wonderful, cool weekend. I will be packing for my beach trip, going to see my shrink, having lunch with a friend, and sleeping in the freezer.

They’re not MY family

19 Jul

Okay, well maybe they are. This post is a little bit in bad taste because I’m going to complain about my in-laws. Some of them are “online” but heaven only knows how many of them actually know this here blog exists. I’m hoping it’s none.

Anyway, our annual Beachsplosion adventure starts next week and as you may recall from last year, I expected it to be a nightmare of epic proportions and it really turned out not so bad. Granted, there were a lot of people, and granted, there were some meltdowns but all in all it was tolerable and at some points, enjoyable!

We're staying here. How bad could it be?

We leave next Tuesday, but this time there are a few twists and turns. One, part of BB’s family we will miss altogether, as they will have come and gone before we ever get there. Two, my MIL’s boyfriend is coming – not new – and bringing one of his children. TOTALLY NEW. There’s a little bit of a stink about this. I’m waiting to see what happens, because at the least, it should be entertaining.

So here’s my packing list from last year, compared to this year:

1. 5 lbs. of homemade chicken salad Pick up a half gallon from the bbq place.

2. 4 cases of Pepsi products A couple bottles of water.

3. 7 pairs of shoes Beach flip flops and dressier flip flops.

4. Laptop, iPod speakers, chargers, portable DVD player, DVDs Two Droids and some headphones.

5. 20 lbs. worth of hardback bestsellers Couple of paperbacks, Kindle for Droid app.

6. Enough clothes to outfit Paris Hilton Bathing suit, perhaps some pajamas.

7. Snacks. A lot of snacks. Tequila.

8. Pasta, cereal, bread, farm veggies, casseroles Debit card for the grocery store and takeout.

9. Effort, energy and pleasantness Apathy, appetite, lazy bone.

I’m sure BB will have a great time being around his family, away from Pepsi and reading the fat Stephen King novel I bought him. And I’m sure I’ll just be drunk.

You know, typical family vacation.

If it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all.

15 Jul

All of this was yesterday. ALL OF IT.

BB: Hey, I’m washing the cars today. Going to get some Armor All.

Me: Uh, okay.

BB: I need you to come home right now because I accidentally set off the car alarm when I was cleaning the locks on the door handles and the alarm drained the battery and now my car is dead and the neighbors are looking and I had to disconnect the horn fuse and ALL I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS WASH THE CAR.

Me: Uh, okay.

BB: I don’t understand it. All I was trying to do was wash the car. That’s it. WASH THE CAR. But the alarm wouldn’t turn off and I tried to put the key in the ignition and it wouldn’t work and my keyless entry is broken and you have to come home right now.

Me: *Sigh.*

Charlie the Cat: I don’t know what’s wrong with you people, but you disturbed the neighbors and now their dog got out and I’m over here howling and no one is paying attention. You’re all a bunch of assholes.

Me: This is going to be a shitty day.

BB: I’m taking you to get lunch at the drive-thru because I have to drive your car to BFE to get Nissan to replace this dead battery and oh yeah, they should probably replace and reset my keyless entry that hasn’t worked in 5 years.

Me: Could this day get any more annoying?

Me: Never ask that question.

BB: I’m back and now the battery doesn’t work because it’s the wrong kind because those people are stupid and don’t know what a NISSAN IS!

Me: …

BB: I’m taking it back. To BFE. Find a ride home from work.

Customer: I’ll be there at 5:30 when you get home from work!

Dad: What’s wrong now? Why are you calling me?

BB: I can’t help it that the alarm is going off again! I can’t! I hate this fucking car!

Me: …

Customer: Is your car alarm going off? Should you check on that?

BB: Screw it. I don’t need a car. I’ll take you to work and you can get your mom to drive you around forever and ever.

Me: I really have nothing to say.

Me: Oooh, except yes I do. Here on the Internet it says to lock and unlock the car door three times and that should reset…well, everything.

BB: Huh.  Would you look at that.

Me: I guess now is not the time to tell you that you can get those keyless entry batteries at Wal-Mart. And also, they sell car batteries there.

BB: This is the worst day ever.

Lucy the Cat: I agree. You’re all assholes.

Why I’m an asshole

14 Jul

Here’s the thing about me: I am not a nice person. Some, in fact, would describe me as a big asshole with no compassion for other people. And that’s a really accurate description:

I’m the kind of person that will lay on the couch all day and then bitch and moan because the dishes aren’t done.

I’m the kind of person that will yell at you for yelling at me because your day sucked.

I’m the kind of person that will rain on your parade, shit on your daisies, and tell that Double Rainbow fellow to go fuck himself.

I’m the kind of person that only sees your shortcomings and will never praise what you do right.

I’m the kind of person that begrudges other people’s success. I’m also the kind of person that will complain because I’m not successful, yet I will continue to sit around and do nothing. (See: Everyone Else’s Blogs. Also: People Who Get Jobs For Which They Applied.)

I’m the kind of person who wrinkles her nose at your outfit or your hairstyle or your makeup or your kid, all the while knowing that I couldn’t fit in that outfit, my hair would never do that, my makeup is all gone and I don’t have kids.

I’m the kind of person who probably talks about you behind your back.

I’m the kind of person who never asks how you are, but spends 45 of your 200 cell phone minutes talking about why my life is terrible.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t return books, clothes or wine glasses.

I’m the kind of person that never keeps promises.

I’m the kind of person who couldn’t finish a task or follow through on, well, anything if life depended on it.

I’m the kind of person who pretends to do work all day but instead dicks around on the Internet.

I’m the kind of person who feels entitled. To everything.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t feel bad because you worked all day in 95 degree heat. Actually, I’d rather know why you haven’t cooked my dinner yet.

I’m the kind of person who never chips in enough money for the group gift.

I’m the kind of person who would rather email you, tweet you or Facebook-message you than pick up the phone to call you.

I’m the kind of person who writes “you’re in my prayers” on sympathy cards but never really prays.

I’m the kind of person who will give you the smaller half of the cookie.

I’m the kind of person who fakes phone calls when you show up in my office door.

I’m the kind of person who will tell you that I hate that shirt/purse/pair of shoes or sunglasses because really I want them for myself.

I’m the kind of person who is taking up space that could be used by someone with a heart.

But.

I am the kind of person who will admit it.

The befores and the afters

30 Jun

Happy Wednesday which is actually my Friday because I’m off tomorrow through Monday so really it’s kind of like a Sunday night for vacation week! Hope you all have fun and fabulous and sunshiney plans for the 4th. I’ll be home…

…painting. Redecorating. Organizing. Spending money I don’t need to spend.

So – and I’ll post some pictures to really illustrate my point – our third bedroom, which we’ve been using as an office, has become a dumping ground for junk. Like, real live junk. Amongst other things, there are plastic bins full of photographs, baskets, old bank statements, Christmas ornaments and random paper. There are stacks of things to be recycled; DVDs that actually get watched on a regular basis and remote controls that don’t work or need batteries. There are shoes, an old rug, two suitcases and a computer monitor. I swear we’re not hoarders, though that’s what this is starting to sound like. We’re just two people with stuff we’re not sure what to do with that live in a house with three closets and virtually no attic space. Who can blame us?

To boot, this room is painted army green. No, seriously. Like, look at a tank, lighten up that green a notch or two, and that’s our room. It’s hideous and I can’t believe I ever agreed to paint it that color. It’s beyond awful. This green looks like moldy mud and it makes the room even more drab and miserable than it was to begin with.

Solution? Paint it darker! Bear with me here, because I know this sounds a little unconventional. We’ve decided to go with a dark navy blue for the walls (we already have off-white trim and molding) and a pale robin’s egg blue for the desk and maybe a side table. I want something rich and bold, but also something that will stand out behind the stacks and stacks of paper I’m accumulating from my business. (And before you complain, the paper is NECESSARY. This is a stationery business. It’s mostly envelopes and miscellaneous sizes of stationery.)

The plan is to get steel shelves from the home improvement store for either side of the window. I think the chrome color will look good against the blue and will give it kind of a modern edge that the rest of the house really doesn’t have. The baskets and bins will go up on the shelves – which means off the floor! – and I will become at least somewhat more organized.

All of this is just a picture in my mind; I haven’t drawn anything out or done anything except get paint chips. BB isn’t so much on board with painting it ourselves because he finds painting to be mundane and peasant and he’d rather spend his day off watching All in the Family. He’s such a party pooper.

So here’s to the 4th of July: the perfect time to work on house projects, grill something delicious, and watch Real Housewives reruns. Hope yours is just as fun.

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