Category Archives: The Almighty TV

Shit that happened while I was snowed in

Posted by Elizabeth in Daily, Family, Lamenting, Listing, Muse, Random Shit, The Almighty TV, The Weather

Interneeeeet! What up? You’d think that while I was chillaxin’ with my homies snowed in for the last four days that I would have churned out post after intelligent post. You’d be wrong. I’m going to make a list now that will enlighten you about what I’ve been doing since Friday night’s crippling dusting of snow major winter storm.

1. I watched the news for school closings, only to discover that our website updates quicker. Go us, because usually our website announces closings about 10 minutes before the work day is scheduled to begin. Fuck ups.

2. I watched most of the stuff on my DVR. I’m down to 42% full. Trust me, this is like empty in my house. I caught up on Big Love – oh! – and I totally should mention this, because if you watch Big Love on HBO, you totally have to read this book. Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith (do you love how I just correctly titled this book without quotation marks or italics? English majors RULE!) by Jon Krakauer. It’s about this woman and her child who are murdered by two Mormon fundamentalists and it gives this big long history of Mormons. I will mention here that I grew up with a slew of Mormons and those in the regular garden variety LDS church are super nice people. But it’s those Big Love Juniper Creek creepies that this book talks about. Anyway, if you’re interested in that kind of stuff it’s a good read.

3. I started watching The Tudors. Shut UP that shit is good. First of all there’s some hot sex in it, which kept BB interested of course, and then there’s Henry VIII who is eight different kinds of beautiful and then there’s Sam Neill who does a decent British accent and then there are all the jewels and fabulous fabric in the costumes and do you get Showtime? Catch up. RIGHT NOW. They’re showing seasons 1-3 and you should catch it while the catching’s good.

4. I slept. I slept in in the morning, I took naps, I permanently squished the cushion down in my Archie Bunker chair in the den, so now it looks like a butt pancake. I laid around on the couch. I stretched out with the ottoman and listened to BB hand wash dishes because our dishwasher melted. I waited for him to cook dinner. I showered occasionally. I was a ROCK STAR.

5. Our dishwasher melted. So now BB we have to hand wash our dishes and dry them and hope we rinsed the soap off good because I can tell you from experience that soapy Cheerios are not so tasty. Yesterday we ventured out into the scary world of icy parking lots and bought a shiny new Whirlpool stainless dishwasher. It’s so pretty. And supposedly you can put dishes in there WITHOUT SCRUBBING THEM FIRST! That would be a miracle. And BB bought it with his own money that I didn’t have to contribute to. It was a great moment in my life.

6. I made whole wheat bagels. Those fuckers are N-A-S-T-Y. They are hard as rocks, dense as rocks and taste like rocks. I asked my good Interweb friend Ashley Gross to come up with a recipe to replace these things. She’s working on it.

7. I played 1,764 games of some kind of Solitaire variation on my iTouch. Maybe not that many games, but it seemed like it. Once I found myself in the kitchen looking for Diet Sunkist and I couldn’t see the fridge because my eyes were blurry from looking at the screen too long. I need an intervention.

8. I started The Lovely Bones last night and almost finished it. I had to stay up until almost 1am though and by the time I got good and asleep, the alarm went off. Good grief. I have to say though, after all those days of slugging it around the house, it was a little bit nice to get back into a routine this morning.

9. In case you haven’t gathered by now, North Carolina shuts down completely when it snows and sleets. COMPLETELY. Schools closed, businesses on delays, snow plows doing their best but not enough. It’s enough to make an outsider nuts, but it’s what we’re used to. They’re calling for more Friday. I might shoot myself.

10. BB tried to tell me what to do. I shut him down. We’re headed to the beach for an early Valentine’s vacation Friday, and if his ‘tude doesn’t change, I’m shutting him down again. On vacation. In a fancy hotel. You know what this means, people. SHUTTING IT DOWN.

On the Internet, there were good recaps of the Grammys (holy shit Pink!) and there were friends that joined Twitter and Tom and Lorenzo of Project Rungay did some super funny posts about Kelly Cutrone (Kell on Earth) and RuPaul.

OK. That’s the shit that happened while I was snowed in.

Days and Confused

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to, Anxiety, Daily, Lucille & Charles, Muse, Shopping, The Almighty TV, WTF?

Listen up: All comments on Half Baked, Twice as Good now through Friday will earn $1 each for Haiti relief. So comment, discuss, hate, whatever you want. Just comment and send your friends to do it too.

Good…Tuesday…morning. I’m all kinds of confused today since we had yesterday off as a holiday. Like, last night we went over to some friends’ for dinner and when we got home I was all Awesome! Iron Chef time! and really it was Bachelor time and before I could turn the channel really quick I saw Pilot Boy and Nutso Crazy Girl on a one-on-one date and I squealed and turn the TV off before anything else was revealed to me. (That part’s not entirely true, but I didn’t want this post to turn into some Bachelor spoiler thing. Blech.)

Anyway, hope you all enjoyed your weekend. Mine was part slug, part do-stuff. Meaning I laid around from after-work Friday until Monday morning, accomplishing one half of a load of laundry and THAT IS IT. Sunday night I looked at myself in the mirror and was like, Whoa. Is divorce court open on Sunday night? That’s where we’re headed when BB gets a load of this. But then yesterday morning I popped out of bed, washed my hair (doesn’t washing your hair do wonders for self-esteem?) and headed out for a day of brunch, errands, and accomplishing shit.

What’s the point of all this? Ah, I remember now.

A while back my therapist suggested that I keep a small notebook of Daily Accomplishments. One thing I’ve discovered in my countless therapy sessions is that, among my many other faults, I belittle things I have done or accomplished on a regular basis. I also am the QUEEN of self-deprecating comments, which I’m pretty sure starts to get annoying after a while. So my therapist thought if I wrote down 3 things – any 3 big, small or in-between – I accomplished at the end of the day, I’d sleep better and have a little more faith in myself.

Like any newly-started habit, I did it for about three or four days and quit. And I found myself yesterday making the derogatory comments about myself again, belittling things I’ve done or that I’m secretly proud of, and I remembered the little notebook. When I got in bed last night, I looked at it again, sitting there innocently on my bedside table and briefly considered writing a few things down in it before I drifted off into red-wine Enya land. (Those were last night’s sleep aids.) Instead, I thought of three things, committed them to memory and settled down to breathe in Lucy fur for the rest of the night.

Hindsight being what it is, I should have written those things down. I sort of remember the thought process this morning, but I don’t remember exactly what I was proud of last night. Yes, I went to Wal-Mart and didn’t have to escape and managed to distract myself from what Wal-Mart actually is. And I went to a crowded restaurant and sat by myself at a table for a few minutes while I waited for a friend. And I installed a thingy to hold my ironing board and iron. See what I mean? These are little, very little, things. But if we take stock of our days, clear the cobwebs out of our brain and think about it, little things are things to be celebrated.

Even if I did rot in my pajamas for 48 hours.

The one where I don’t know where you all came from

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to, Daily, Good Stuff, Listing, Politics, The Almighty TV, True That?, WTF?

Here’s a Monday list for ya: Over the weekend something fatastically awesome happened and suddenly I have readers OUT THE WAZOO! (For those of you that can check these things, my numbers are still teensy compared to yours, but it’s MY VICTORY!) Anyway, here’s where I think all of my new readers have come from:

1. A 16-year coma.

2. Out of an Ambien-induced fog.

3. Lady Gaga has put her rabids out to explore the ENTIRE Internet. (Hint: Only ABDPBT readers will probably get that, but that’s OK because that means you all are on this list, too.)

4. E! Online wrote a post about Rachel Zoe with her skinny, teeninsy, bony, leathery self, and showed a picture of her in a bikini and – OH GOD – excuse me because I need to toss my breakfast now. Nothing against Zoe, in fact I kind of love her, but only when she’s covered up head-to-toe and is behind enormous sunglasses. I showed a skeletal picture of her not too far back and apparently THE OTHERS have found it.

5. You’ve been hiding in the Heene balloon and therefore have been confined to Larry King Live for months and months.

6. Out from uh, under, Tiger Woods. Welcome back to reality.

7. With college football behind us and Carolina basketball sucking before us, you fled to the Internet and found comfort with me. You’re welcome.

8. Your Snuggie melted, your gas logs burned out and the only place warm enough in your house is in front of your laptop. I’m here for you, Internet, I’m here for you.

9. You’ve just been released from Celebrity Rehab. Congratulations! Hey, what was Heidi Fleiss really like?

High Maintenance

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Lamenting, Shopping, The Almighty TV, WTF?

I’m not sure that I’ve talked much about the fact that we own a 1997 Nissan Pathfinder, mainly because that is not at all an interesting fact about us. Sure, we’re wild and crazy, what with our kid-free household, two tame fat lazy good-for-nothing cats, and our risky graduate school pursuits, so I can see how you might overlook our old, gas-guzzling SUV as non-news. (And if you didn’t quite catch the sarcasm back there, then start over and read again. We are THE most boring people who ever lived.)

This car has been the bane of my existence since BB and I first started dating. Back in my somewhat-skinnier days, I had this great pair of white pants that I really loved and that magically didn’t make my ass look like Montana and Idaho put together. One day when Brian picked me up for a date, I got in the car, rode for a while, got out of the car at a party and had to cover up my ass the whole night because people kept telling me about this mysterious brown stain on the back of my pants. Nope, didn’t crap in the  car. Just sat in some unidentifiable substance that was now spread across my fabulous white pants. Mortifying. Horrifying. RIDICULOUS.

As the years went on, the passenger side started to attack me, first by catching the seatbelt so that every time I tried to move, it choked me. Then the door got in on it and quit unlocking automatically. Finally the window stopped rolling down unless Brian used his controls and by then, I spat on that car every time I saw it. The only redeeming qualities it has at this point in time are that a) it transports Christmas trees and dirty recyclables fairly well, and b) the seats fold down in the back for when we have to move furniture (another blog post, don’t ask).

Needless to say, when Brian called me from the car repair place last week to tell me that our Christmas LCD TV money had to go towards new front brakes and bearings instead, I was a little irate.

Me: So yeah, he called me from the place and was all, “It is way more important for me to drive safely in my car than for us to have a new TV.” Whatever.

Ruthie: But he needs to be safe, doesn’t he? I mean, they’re brakes.

Me: And?

Ruthie: . . .

This morning he takes our Christmas gift money from his mother, trots down to the ass raper car repair place, and calls me back.

Me: WHAT.

BB: Hey. Uh, there’s a problem with the muffler. It needs to be welded back on before the car can pass inspection in January.

Me: WHAT.

BB: I can’t help this, you know. It’s the car and it’s how I get back and forth to work and we can’t afford a new car payment right now . . .

Me: Click.

Back in its hey-day, this is what BB's piece of shit car WOULD have looked like. Now it's just dirty, broken and useless. To me, anyway.

Internet, I do not wish for my husband to be in danger. Ever. In a car or otherwise. But when I am chained to my den, night after night, month after month, with no outside, costs-money fun in sight, my TV environment needs to be optimal. In other words, I am SICK OF THE FUCKING TUBE TV WITH IT’S FUZZY PICTURE AND TINNY SOUND and I want that gift money to go towards what it was intended.

Is that too much to ask?

How I did with my 10 fall TV predictions

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to, Listing, The Almighty TV

So remember a couple of months ago when I made some TV predictions for fall? Yeah. Here’s how I did:

1. I was wrong. The gay brothers came in second to Cute Cali Couple on The Amazing Race, and Flight Time and Big Easy (aka the Globetrotters) came in fourth. I was pretty right-on with the final, though I will admit that I discounted Miss America and her interracial marriage partner. She’s a tough cookie, and I didn’t give her credit.

2. Mr. Schue’s wife totally tried to steal Quinn’s baby, except that she SUCKS at hiding fake-pregnancy paraphernalia and so she got caught. Serves her right, stupid baby stealer. Can’t make predictions for the April return of Glee though, because I expended all my foresight powers on that September post. Sorry, dudes.

3. Cousin Courtney has not yet officially hooked up with the hot neighbor on Cougar Town, although it’s totally coming and anyone with ears knows that. I said that her son would get a cougar, and he kind of wanted one – the slutty friend – but instead he’s found a nice, sensible high-school age girlfriend. Boring, but true.

4. On Modern Family, I haven’t exactly been wrong yet, but then we have a while before the end of new episodes. My money is, of course, on me.

5. Grey’s Anatomy kind of bites the booty this year, I have to say. Instead of Izzie’s cancer disappearing, she disappeared, and no one is knocked up…yet. However, my sources tell me that Yang and Army dude are very much still together, which chokes out any hope of my predictions coming true.

6. Tom DeLay completely fucked up my predictions, with his stupid injury, while Kelly Osbourne surpassed expectations and made it to the finals. Good on her, I say. Plus she’s skinny now. Double good.

7. Rachel Zoe is very much alive and well and thriving with her Rachel Zoe newsletter thing. People love her on Twitter and now that she’s fired Goth-saddy Taylor, the sky is the limit for her and assistant-without-enough-clothes Brad. For now.

8. Don Draper did crack a smile, bitches! And he hugged his kids! And curled up on the couch and watched TV with them! I told you so, Mad Men disbelievers.

9. The Real Housewives of New Jersey aren’t back yet, but JERSEY SHORE IS, BABY! The friggin’ poofs, the Guido blow-outs, “the Situation,” the short-shorts and oh dear God the hair gel. Who needs Dina, Caroline, Jacqueline and Teresa when we have Pauly, Vinny, Sammi, Snooki, the Situation, Ronnie, and blah blah who cares what their names are because it’s THE JERSEY SHORE!

The Guidos and Guidettes from MTV's Jersey Shore (via NY Daily News)

10. I predicted a Scrubs reunion, and I got one. It’s back, minus some key players, and it’s based on new interns and a teaching hospital. Hilarity ensues.

If you didn’t catch these shows already this fall, I highly recommend that you start watching what is still on now. Don’t start now with Glee – the last episode until April airs this Wednesday. You can catch past eps on Fox.com though, and you should. Also, check out Modern Family, Jersey Shore, Scrubs, and yes, I’m going to do this – are you ready? brace yourselves – 90210. I’m sorry, but it’s excellent this year. As is Brothers & Sisters, but 90210 is much easier to figure out if you’ve missed some.

Now back to regularly scheduled programming, which I believe is Good Morning America. Tribute post to Diane Sawyer coming Friday.

For other Monday listers, visit Anna @ abdpbt.
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