Hello! I am Elizabeth’s friend Kathy. I have known Elizabeth since she began a career as a news media professional, a career she wisely ditched in favor of having a life and a reasonable amount of money. Congrats to Elizabeth for figuring this out only nine years before I did! My main problem with her these days is that I don’t see her nearly enough.

So, you know how Elizabeth comes here and opens up her heart and mind to us, so that we might feel less alone in our own struggles and learn to understand and accept each other as we are–as friends, and as brothers and sisters on this crazy spinning ball we call The Earth?

Well, I like outfits! It’s still pretty hot here in Raleigh all the time, and yet, all I can think about is Outfits in The Time of the Colored Leaves.

I am now going to tell you what to wear. Most of this stuff you can get at the mall. Get on email lists and stores will send you coupons.

My current biggest fear on the planet is what is going to happen to fashion when “Mad Men” grooves on into those disgusting Seventies, because I have been so happy for the styles of the Sixties Hitchcock blondes to return to the stores.

That means Dress like the Sixties for fall i.e. Kim Novak, Betty Draper, and fat Twiggy.  Because, come on, no one’s as skinny as real Twiggy. Some of us are downright Ziggy.

Nevertheless, I will wear an orange miniskirt this year and you will just have to shut it on up if you don’t like it. Yes, I’m telling everyone to find and wear an orange skirt. Or royal blue. Or red. Just make it a bold color, in a simple shape, with good structure. I got mine at Ann Taylor, but The Limited, Nordstrom and J. Crew are doing similar good things.

Now, an above-knee, solid-color skirt is no great risk. A-line, full, pencil or whatever are good too. If you’ve got the height to pull off that just-above-the-calf thing, go nuts.

Here’s where I’m going to challenge you. Are you sitting down? You are? Well then stand up, stand up (joke courtesy of Tom Scharpling.)

Wear that skirt with a top in a non-matching, solid, bold color. Put the orange skirt with a pink top! Your Kelly green pencil needs a royal blue sweater! Yellow skirt? Teal that!

It’s called color-blocking folks, and it’s gonna look adorable. Trust me! You can even do it in less-bold colors, such as gray and black, and it still counts as color-blocking. Just keep the shapes simple and avoid detail or adornment—that goes for accessories, too.

Okay, if that’s too loco for you, might I interest you in some animal prints of which I have previously not preferred? Sixties You (AKA your better self) practically requires it. Sweaters and shoes are a good entrée into this realm.

One lovely animal pattern can be found on my favorite item of the whole fall so far, J. Crew’s Tippi sweater, no doubt inspired by Hitchcock blonde Tippi Hedren. It’s perfect. The neckline hits your collarbone at just the right spot, the sleeves are my favorite length—bracelet—and it comes in an array of gorgeous colors and is a nice lightweight merino that’s not too warm but warm enough. It’s America’s greatest sweater.

J.Crew's Tippi Sweater in Leopard

Pantyhose! Look, I know only our mom’s friends wear pantyhose at the moment, but if you’re gonna go ladylike, they work. And, they hold you in place nicely under all those pencil skirts. You love tights, don’t you? It’s really not that big of a leap. Remember how polished and put-together it used to make you feel back when you put them on in the Nineties? It still works, trust me.

For further guidance, I recommend you visit the Lady Chic Shop on Neiman Marcus’ website. Please note that all the models are wearing black pantyhose.

You know how they say go big, or go home, and it’s really dorky? Well, I’m telling you to go big and then go OUT… on the town or something? Go with large jeweled stud earrings, track down a vintage brooch or two (I’m particularly obsessed with starbursts—for earrings, cocktail rings, and a mirror for my upstairs hallway) and a short string of pearls or beads in a single or double strand. Grab a frame bag, tie it with a simple scarf in maybe a deco-looking geometric pattern or a houndstooth.

So, now you’re dressed and you look good. Here’s where I leave you.

Hit up Twitter at 9pm and follow along with the other at-home conference attendees.

Well, window shopping. We ARE getting ready to be poor, after all.

I decided I was in the market for a new wallet, because who isn’t? I want something from Etsy and I want it to be small enough that I physically can’t cram a lot of crap into it. I’m trying to be of the mindset that smaller is better because smaller can’t be stuffed with 4,000 receipts or 20 tubes of lipgloss or my fat ass. These are the facts.

Here’s what I found:

1. Batwa Wallet in Flower Child

This does not at all fit my criteria but it’s insanely cute.

2. Handmade Classics Skinny Wallet in Cherry Blossom

No change purse, but it does check off the “tiny” box.

3. More Warped Little Wallet in Toto

I love this one – LOVE IT – but I’m waffling. Might be too precious to survive my bag.

4. Knotted Nest Billfold

Again, no change purse, but I love the geometric patterns and the slim style.

5. Marty May Whale Wallet in Blue and Cream

By far my favorite and the front runner. No change purse, no zipper, no frills but LOOK AT THE WHALE.

And thus begins the start of another holiday season. This afternoon I watered my plants, changed my voicemail, locked the door and prepared myself for 2 ½ weeks of vacation. But then my boss wanted me to do two Noteworthy gift certificates – right then – and my customers on opposite ends of the county needed their orders delivered and my prescription wasn’t called in to the pharmacy like my doctor’s office said it would be and there was nothing for dinner and WHAT?

What vacation?

So I’ve resigned myself to the fact that in what will seem like 24 hours, I will wake up and it will be January 4^th. And I’ll be so glad to head back to the office and get ready for the madness of registration, but I will also be a little sad to leave my warm, snuggly bed filled with warm, fat cats.

In the meantime though there are presents to wrap! Cards to…open. (The goal this year is to send out New Year’s cards, but even that’s looking like slim chances.) Stockings to fill! Family to visit! Decorating still to be done! A birthday party to throw! Money to find! Gifts to send to my sweet friends who still haven’t even received a birthday card from me yet! Are you tired from reading this! No! Then you’re not reading hard enough!

My friend told me today that I didn’t understand her anxiety because I don’t have children. And maybe that’s true. But this time of year produces giant piles of stress in people who ordinarily are cool as cucumbers; I think that’s true whether you have children or not.

I would love to know how you do it. How do you stay calm and focused this time of year? Do you take time to chill, or do you hustle and bustle and hope everything works itself out?

This year is a little different for me, what with the extra-long vacation and the precariously-connected brain wires. I need all the tips I can get.

And isn’t that what it’s all about, after all? Of course it isn’t, but it’s fun to consider the possibility.

1. Red high heels. I just bought a similar suede pair from H&M and I am drooling over them until I have an occasion to show them off. Christmas is the perfect opportunity to exhibit your semi-wild side way down there on your feet.
2. Jo Malone Body Crème. So luscious I would almost be afraid to use it. Almost.
3. Land’s End Cotton Modal Nightgown. Now. There’s nothing about this nightgown that says “sexy” or “check me out, Tiger Woods” or “I am 22 and HOT,” but cotton modal is – to me – one of the softest, most comfortable fabrics around. For actual sleeping, you can’t beat this with a stick. Plus, hello? It’s $39.50.
4. Diane von Furstenburg Leather Kindle Case. J’adore my Kindle in every way. What I don’t have is a lovely case to protect it from all the wine glasses at my book club.
5. Haus Interior Navy Zig Zag Throw. Think of the naps you could take all wrapped up in this thing. Purr.
6. Marc Jacobs Lola Solid Perfume Ring. Y’all, this is the cutest thing ever. Perfume IN A RING. It’s so genius and it’s pretty. This won’t be in my stocking, but it should be.
7. Williams-Sonoma Croissants. Show me a girl who doesn’t love a croissant and I’ll show you a liar. Bake these, sit down with some coffee and that talk show with Leah Remini and never tell a soul.
8. Hotel Guanahani. I never said this list was realistic. It’s probably cold where you are, and where I am there’s snow on the ground, but in St. Bart’s there’s this.

Do you all know my fantastic friend Jackie? She is a lovely girl from Virginia, lucky enough to be my college classmate (I KNOW! SOMEONE GIVE HER A MEDAL!) and she is now the mother of two adorable children and one AH-MAZING Etsy store. Her jewelry is delicate without being dainty, sweet without being childish and trendy without being a fad. In other words, it’s beautiful, it’s handmade and YOU could win your very own Magillie piece!

Magillie's Lemon and Currant Earrings - just an example of some of her artistic jewelry

Here are the contest rules:

1. It couldn’t be easier. Just stop by Half Baked, Twice as Good between now and Friday and comment. You can comment anywhere and on anything you like. It doesn’t even have to be nice! Although if it’s ugly, I may have to give you The Stink Eye. The point is, you get a chance to win for each comment you leave here.

2. At the end of the week, the winner will be randomly selected from the week’s commentariat and will receive a gorgeous piece of Magillie jewelry.

Happy commenting and best of luck!

…painting. Redecorating. Organizing. Spending money I don’t need to spend.

So – and I’ll post some pictures to really illustrate my point – our third bedroom, which we’ve been using as an office, has become a dumping ground for junk. Like, real live junk. Amongst other things, there are plastic bins full of photographs, baskets, old bank statements, Christmas ornaments and random paper. There are stacks of things to be recycled; DVDs that actually get watched on a regular basis and remote controls that don’t work or need batteries. There are shoes, an old rug, two suitcases and a computer monitor. I swear we’re not hoarders, though that’s what this is starting to sound like. We’re just two people with stuff we’re not sure what to do with that live in a house with three closets and virtually no attic space. Who can blame us?

To boot, this room is painted army green. No, seriously. Like, look at a tank, lighten up that green a notch or two, and that’s our room. It’s hideous and I can’t believe I ever agreed to paint it that color. It’s beyond awful. This green looks like moldy mud and it makes the room even more drab and miserable than it was to begin with.

Solution? Paint it darker! Bear with me here, because I know this sounds a little unconventional. We’ve decided to go with a dark navy blue for the walls (we already have off-white trim and molding) and a pale robin’s egg blue for the desk and maybe a side table. I want something rich and bold, but also something that will stand out behind the stacks and stacks of paper I’m accumulating from my business. (And before you complain, the paper is NECESSARY. This is a stationery business. It’s mostly envelopes and miscellaneous sizes of stationery.)

The plan is to get steel shelves from the home improvement store for either side of the window. I think the chrome color will look good against the blue and will give it kind of a modern edge that the rest of the house really doesn’t have. The baskets and bins will go up on the shelves – which means off the floor! – and I will become at least somewhat more organized.

All of this is just a picture in my mind; I haven’t drawn anything out or done anything except get paint chips. BB isn’t so much on board with painting it ourselves because he finds painting to be mundane and peasant and he’d rather spend his day off watching All in the Family. He’s such a party pooper.

So here’s to the 4th of July: the perfect time to work on house projects, grill something delicious, and watch Real Housewives reruns. Hope yours is just as fun.

1. FMC: Female Menstrual Calendar. Oh yes, I started with that. I AM THAT BOLD. Anyway, this nifty little app records your periods, sex and stats so that you know if a) you’re on a regular schedule (which I’m not ever, so I need this and that’s why I got it to begin with), b) when your ovulation dates are (this is helpful whether or not you want to be pregnant – either lay off HA! or get.it.on. according to this calendar), and c) it shows you statistics about your periods that you may or may not need to know, but which are interesting. So you download the app, put in your information and voila! Your entire reproductive system RIGHT THERE in a shiny colorful app. Will wonders never cease.

2. Air hockey. Now I know that there are about a million and one games to choose from and from that, probably 82,000 are some sort of hockey games but Y’ALL. This is air hockey like from the ’84 arcade. Like from Chuck E. Cheese. And if you turn up the volume kind of loud, you get the sound of the AIR! and the sound of the back and forth pong-pong-pong as the puck bounces off you and your opponent. I have played this for hours, to BB’s chagrin, and sometimes I have to turn off the pong-pong sound because it gets me caught. Otherwise he thinks I’m emailing very important people. And sometimes I like to let him think that. This game is not so much revolutionary as it is just plain fun, and I guess fun could be revolutionary for some people. You sad sacks.

3. Speaking of sad sacks, when you’re down, you’re troubled and need a helping hand from someone who isn’t James Taylor, simply go onto Pizza Hut’s app, enter your information and POW! You have the entire Hut kitchen at your disposal. Choose from exciting pictures of delicious pizza toppings to create your perfect sack of sad cholesterol. And if you’re lazy, you can just have it delivered, or you can get excited about the fact that you just ordered pizza from your handheld device and you can roll up to the drive-thru and be all, Yeah homie. That’s me. I ordered FROM MY iPHONE. How you like me now? And then of course all the Pizza Hut employees will laugh at you as you drive off but really? What’s a little humiliation in the face of a piping hot Pizza Hut pizza? Can’t put a price on that, my friends.

4. Zillow Real Estate. Now I’m not assuming that you all don’t already have these apps downloaded, and perhaps you’re at home right now, scrolling through them as you have one eye over here. But for y’all that don’t know, allow me to indulge my inner know-it-all. Zillow is this awesome app that finds your location, lets you zoom in on your neighborhood (or anyone else’s for that matter) and gives you information like selling price, asking price, house/property information AND it alerts you if you want it to when prices on houses you covet go up or down. It’s also fun to use when you head out to dinner at someone’s house, find it to be utterly fabulous, and want to know how much they paid for it (if they’ve bought it recently). If nothing else, it’s a fun way to waste time.

5. Mint. I wrote a paper about Mint last summer for an executive marketing class I was taking (because, you know, I like to execute marketing and all) but I’d been using Mint since it first rolled out a few years ago. If you don’t use Mint in your normal life, you are seriously missing out. Mint is an awesome financial planning site that uses your usernames and passwords to access your dozens of accounts from wherever to whowhat’sit and shows you all the ways you’re spending money you don’t have. Or saving it, whatever. And then it draws up little pie charts and line graphs and alerts you when your balances are low, or when a payment is due. Y’all it ROCKS. Hard. Some people are skeptical at first because of the whole here’s-my-name-and-password thing, but actually it’s super secure. It doesn’t store any of that information; it just goes out into the wild blue yonder, sucks down your sad sack bank balance and reminds you that you should’ve paid your American Express two weeks ago.

I could go on and on about this for days, because I have many more than this and use them every single solitary day. But these are the ones that honestly kind of mostly have changed my life, you know, in the way that an Apple application can change your life.

How was your weekend?

…THESE! Hello Rewind is a genius company dedicated to helping survivors of sex-trafficking get jobs and start a new life. All you do is send in your old, beloved t-shirt, and Hello Rewind will turn around and make it into a laptop sleeve.

See? EVERYONE WINS.

So how are y’all? I, for one, am still under the influence of last night’s Ambien, which means that I am super sleepy and not at all alert and aware. Please do not sneak up behind me today; most likely I will be all Whaaa? and it will ruin the surprise and not be fun at all for you. Sorry.

It’s been kind of a busy week since last we spoke. Molly and Jason from the Bachvomit got married on TV last night, the tail end of which I was able to catch after I got home from business class. THAT’S RIGHT, I’m taking a BUSINESS CLASS, bitches. Check your jealousies at the door. (More on that in a minute.) Last week we were getting the kiddies all ready for their spring break, the one where they get to go home and do whatever it is that they do there, and the one where I HAVE TO BE HERE. AT SCHOOL. IN MY OFFICE. I’m totally not bitter, y’all.

In other news, our fun friends Butt Pirate and Rump Ranger came over for dinner Saturday night. There were lots of laughs but I’d say there wasn’t nearly enough name-calling, so I call a do-over RIGHT NOW. As a hostess gift, Pirate and Ranger brought us a rain gauge. It is 8 kinds of awesome. Yes, you should be jealous. (Except I think I told you to check your jealousies at the door, so…we’ll work on that.)

Do you see? DO YOU SEE? This is what the Ambien does to me in the mornings. I cannot be held responsible for my written actions. (Did I just steal that from a Kennedy kid? It sounds familiar…) Anyway, so then we finally went and bought a dryer on Sunday, which is just in time because this morning I went to get my jeans and they stunk like mildew in the cold dryer, which is when I realized that the stuff in there was STILL DAMP and it pissed me off and made me almost cry when I had to wear some other pants. The new dryer comes tomorrow night, and it’s not really the dryer that dreams are made of, but it’s fine. We searched four hours for that damn thing, and by the end we were all Yo, pack that shit up. Even if it’s a Maytag.

So back to my new bidness! I’m so excited about it, and you should be too because it might mean that I have extra dollars to do stuff with. Except that last night my friends and I went to this class on how to write a business plan, and apparently people who start their own businesses start out with like no money and wind up with even less money until 10 years later when they collect an annual salary of like $50. THESE ARE MY ASPIRATIONS.

It’s going to be a stationery and invitation printing business, where you’d come to my house, tell me what you need said invitation for (your divorce is final, your 40th birthday has come around again for the 7th time, your kid managed to make it another year without breaking a limb, or whatever) and we sit down together to design it and make it happen. Or you can be boring and flip through some books and order crap out of there, too. Except it’s TOTALLY not crap. It’s fine, expensive but affordable paper that you and everyone who sees it will love. My goal is to build a base of satisfied and loyal customers who will return holiday after miserable holiday to buy their paper goods from me because I am skilled, personable, and offer competitive prices.

Or at least that’s what I’m telling people.

I have decided right this second that I’m going to have a contest! With a PRIZE! Like a real.live.giveaway y’all. I need a name for this business that is going to rocket into the universe at lightening speed and return to earth with buckets of cash. I’m not sure that “Buckets O’ Cash” is quite catchy enough for an elegant invitation business, do you? Well, maybe you do.

Anyway, cough up your ideas in the comments section, and the one I like best (but am not contractually required to use) gets a gift card, probably to iTunes. Woot woot, ’cause who can’t use an iTunes gift card, yo?

So get to it: put on your thinking caps, get creative and do my work FOR me already. Sheesh. And also do it for the iTunes card. You know you want it…*said in sexy come-hither voice that is NOT AT ALL creepy.*