Half Baked, Twice as Good

Right now:

There is a Julia Roberts marathon on USA.

I’m reading the BlogHer ’10 tweets and wondering about these girls.

A pile of bank papers on my coffee table is staring at me.

My cat is desperately trying to meld her body with mine.

I can’t organize my thoughts well enough to write more than a list.

But I’m trying.

Last summer I wrote a post about Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love, a book that has stuck with me ever since. The eating part I’ve got down pat; it’s the other stuff I – and undoubtedly every other woman who’s read that book – am working on. I forget though. Do you ever find yourself starting those good habits like exercising and eating right and calling your mother every Sunday and then find that two weeks have passed and you missed that one day and then that other day and then all good intentions are no more? You’re not alone. Or maybe I’m the only one. Who gives a shit, really…the important thing is that the praying and the loving are far more essential to getting down to the root of what ails me.

I am failing at my business. Oh, I have customers, and I have people who buy things from me and who plan to get gifts for birthdays and graduations and so forth. But in the grand scheme of things, like THE BUDGET, I’m failing. I am not a good record-keeper, I am a terrible mathematician and I have no head for business. I love the work itself, but I hate the business and the voices in my head were right: this probably wasn’t a good idea. There’s no one to rely on – or blame – but me, and it’s far easier to give up than try to fix a mess. It makes me feel awful though, and I fear that the awfulness will get the better of me.

Additionally, that gentle, relaxed feeling I had leftover from vacation is gone and the tension of real life has crept back into my shoulders like stubborn ivy, winding its way up my neck and down my spine and choking the life out of my head. There is intense fear and anxiety about the expectations I have for myself. I did not register for school. I am terrified to teach this semester. I am ashamed that I am not a better housekeeper or wife and that I have failed at my business venture.

I have educated myself enough about my anxiety to know that there are definable triggers and that there are steps I can take to head off the avalanche that comes so easily. I can meditate, I can reduce distractions, I can focus myself and my thoughts, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Just like the business, it’s easier to give up than to fix a mess. I take my medication, most of the time, but there is work I know I should do right along with that. Is it that I’m lazy? Is it too much to tackle at once? Do I forget? I don’t have the answers.

Praying and loving are these two huge words – these touchy feely warm fuzzy words that are repulsive and comforting at the same time. Praying for some people involves a church or mosque or synagogue; for other people, it’s just a quiet moment that is private and personal. I don’t know what it is for me. I forget how to do it, mostly because I think I’m doing it wrong or that God is sitting there (up there? out there?) shaking his head at me and adding my name to that list of people who got left in the oven too long. So I just skip right over it because really, what would I pray about anyway?

Loving, for me, comes back to that whole thing about being an asshole. I know that I shouldn’t be an asshole and that I should love other people, but I don’t know that I’m aware of how to do that. I could write a whole other list of shortcomings right here that would take up 14 hours of my time, and all of it involves being self-centered and too afraid to tell people I love them because they might not say it back. How do you know you love someone or something to begin with? I don’t mean romantic love – I have BB and I put a ring on his finger and so he’s contractually required to love me until I do something to piss him off. And vice versa. I’m talking about the other kind of love – the kind that (I think) is what you reserve for friends and ideas and yourself.

I really don’t know what I’m talking about here other than to say that life has confounded me in such a way that I feel as though I’m at a 4-way stop sign with no directions. It does that to everyone, I totally know that, but what happens to you isn’t nearly as important as what happens to me. See? I’m an asshole.

Finally, before Pretty Woman ends and I strangle the fur off my cat, I should say that two weeks ago I had a conversation with one of my best friends about traveling abroad for a period of time. Neither one of us knows how we will finance it or where exactly we’ll go, or what we’ll do when we get there, but we have good intentions. If it happens, it will be a lesson in selflessness and compassion, both of which I desperately need. If you’re the praying sort, send us your good wishes so that we might focus and develop this. If you’re the loving sort, send us your love because we probably need that too.

This is a belated post I promised about our office and how we repainted it and what it looks like now, which you will see, is different but not perfect and…still a mess. SHOCKING.

Before. WAY before.

BB said he might kill me if I posted this picture because it’s embarrassingly awful and he thinks it qualifies us for Hoarders. I said it was just a “work room” that we used for storage sometimes and that the Internet would understand and not judge us. Please note the wall color (ass), and the electronics tower that could topple if you look at it wrong.

So then we cleaned out all the junk, taped off the walls and really took a good, long look at this ugly room and bid it farewell.

The quality of this picture is quite terrible, but it’s the first wall of navy blue and we squealed because we loved it so. We hated the color of the hardwood floor before, and we still kind of do, but it looks so much better now and the trim really pops against the blue.

It made a huge difference really quickly.

Finished! Kind of.

This is the after, and again, the quality of the photo really is bad and doesn’t do the room justice. The sofa is a blue-gray leather and actually looks great against the blue walls. We haven’t hung pictures yet, but I did pick out some pillows that are kind of office-y but cute.

A family of 5 could live on these shelves.

Man these pictures are fuzzy. So this is one of the two shelving units we bought to store all our junk on. They’re giant. But they’re kind of industrial and they hold EVERYTHING. We swapped the rug for a faux sisal and the shelves now have matching seagrass lamps on them. It’s coming along, but it’s a vast improvement.

Trust me.

All of this was yesterday. ALL OF IT.

BB: Hey, I’m washing the cars today. Going to get some Armor All.

Me: Uh, okay.

BB: I need you to come home right now because I accidentally set off the car alarm when I was cleaning the locks on the door handles and the alarm drained the battery and now my car is dead and the neighbors are looking and I had to disconnect the horn fuse and ALL I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS WASH THE CAR.

Me: Uh, okay.

BB: I don’t understand it. All I was trying to do was wash the car. That’s it. WASH THE CAR. But the alarm wouldn’t turn off and I tried to put the key in the ignition and it wouldn’t work and my keyless entry is broken and you have to come home right now.

Me: *Sigh.*

Charlie the Cat: I don’t know what’s wrong with you people, but you disturbed the neighbors and now their dog got out and I’m over here howling and no one is paying attention. You’re all a bunch of assholes.

Me: This is going to be a shitty day.

BB: I’m taking you to get lunch at the drive-thru because I have to drive your car to BFE to get Nissan to replace this dead battery and oh yeah, they should probably replace and reset my keyless entry that hasn’t worked in 5 years.

Me: Could this day get any more annoying?

Me: Never ask that question.

BB: I’m back and now the battery doesn’t work because it’s the wrong kind because those people are stupid and don’t know what a NISSAN IS!

Me: …

BB: I’m taking it back. To BFE. Find a ride home from work.

Customer: I’ll be there at 5:30 when you get home from work!

Dad: What’s wrong now? Why are you calling me?

BB: I can’t help it that the alarm is going off again! I can’t! I hate this fucking car!

Me: …

Customer: Is your car alarm going off? Should you check on that?

BB: Screw it. I don’t need a car. I’ll take you to work and you can get your mom to drive you around forever and ever.

Me: I really have nothing to say.

Me: Oooh, except yes I do. Here on the Internet it says to lock and unlock the car door three times and that should reset…well, everything.

BB: Huh.  Would you look at that.

Me: I guess now is not the time to tell you that you can get those keyless entry batteries at Wal-Mart. And also, they sell car batteries there.

BB: This is the worst day ever.

Lucy the Cat: I agree. You’re all assholes.

Hey kittens. Good week for you? Bizarre week for me.

First, the good:

We went to Colorado this past weekend to see one of my best friends get married. It was a beautiful garden ceremony followed by a lovely reception at their home and my friend looked absolutely radiant. There were storm clouds over the rose garden while they said their vows but not a drop of rain fell – there’s got to be some kind of good luck in there, no? It was wonderful.

My friends, Tarrah & Daniele, and their wedding party

The best part of the trip for BB, however, was the Cadillac we rented for the weekend. I’m not kidding. He was blissfully, deliriously happy. Happier even than the married couple. I think BB was born 72 years old and has remained so ever since.

He really IS cute, even if he could be my grandfather

We also went to Boulder to visit my cousin and had an awesome trip up into the mountains to see “his babies” – the giant sharp rock faces he climbs several times a week. I almost threw up on the ride up there from the steep scariness. Boulder’s beautiful though and if you’ve never been I highly suggest putting it on your list.

Cliff Babies

Next, the bad:

I had my job interview last Thursday and on the one hand, it was bad because I kept forgetting to answer half of their two- and three-part questions. Who does that? Why make one question 7 questions all put together? It’s confusing, and frankly I consider it mean. My presentation went well, I thought, and so now I’m just waiting for the phone to ring, like a dorky high school girl on a Friday night.

Finally, the ugly:

The ugly is so ugly, I really don’t want to talk about it. But I will say this: I’m not the only crazy I know, and I’m not the only one bad stuff happens to all the time. Doesn’t make crazy shit better though; crazy shit is still crazy shit.

Overheard this weekend:

“My name is Cowboy and I’ll be riding you to your destination.” – Airport shuttle

“Up here we call them ‘Trustafarians’ or ‘Weed Worshippers.’ Same thing, really.” – Of Boulder’s “counter-culture”

“Would you look at that. Her dad actually looks nice today! Good thing, since it’s her wedding.” – Old man with diapers and obviously-malfunctioning hearing aids, during the wedding ceremony

I don’t know quite where to start. I have neglected this blog, my readers and my propensity to overshare and write things that shouldn’t be written.

The last time I posted I said that I was experiencing anxiety again, and I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to let go of it – or it of me. A few of you commented that, essentially, it’s not my choice whether or not I go through panic and anxiety, and of course you’re right. But it’s creeping up again nonetheless and I am planning a little re-check for myself sometime in the near future to see if I can get a handle on this.

There are extenuating circumstances, however. One – the biggest one that’s kept me away from here – is that my invitation and stationery business is actually starting to get going. (And by get going, I mean that I’ve filled a few orders and have talked up a big game.) I absolutely love it, but I am absolutely terrified. My days are filled with emails and phone calls to business-owning friends, asking questions about taxes, licenses and ID numbers. My nights are filled now with a burning desire not to DVR “American Idol,” but alas I am laying out and designing my wares and so I’ve been reduced to reading recaps of my favorite shows online and getting updates from my Twitter friends.

I didn’t know this is what I wanted to do, and six months from now, this may not be what I want to do. I know – and regardless of who reads this, I am freely admitting – that I am completely and totally burned out at my job. What was once a thrill and a calling for me is now a chore and a source of income. I am ashamed to say that, but it’s the truth. Part of me feels guilty because I have this unspoken commitment to my students, this feeling of obligation until they have graduated and successfully joined the workforce again. But a larger part of me feels incredibly stifled, antsy and insanely unhappy. I don’t dread coming to work (yet), but I don’t think of it fondly as I used to, and I don’t feel a huge sense of loyalty to this school, like I used to. I’m just burned out. This 40-watt light bulb has done used up all its juice.

Another reason I’ve neglected posting regularly is because I am a little aghast at some goings-on in the blog world. I’ve said before – plainly and not-so-plainly – that there is a circle of well-known bloggers who contain themselves to themselves, if that makes sense. For well over a year now, I’ve been on the outside looking in, wishing I had the traffic they did, wishing I had the design skills or the wit or the talent for doing this online weblog thing. But recently – and as usual, I’m not getting into details – a lot of ugly heads have emerged, revealing sides of people I didn’t know existed. That’s the danger of making online friends, you know. People present the good sides of themselves, only the aspects of their personalities they want others to see. I think we all do that to a certain degree, but in the face of adversity or conflict, a person’s character is tested and revealed. I have wanted to acknowledge some of this bloggy drama but I haven’t known how to say what I wanted to say. None of the bloggers involved in the recent brouhaha read this or even in reality know who I am; nevertheless I have felt the urge to bring this up, if only to say that my instincts to stay out of the way served me well and my integrity is (I believe) still intact. Sometimes laying low is the only way to lay (stop it with the grammar corrections – I know it’s wrong) and if I’m good at anything, it’s laying around. High or low or in between.

Okay, so on to other things, if you’re still reading.

House improvements are moving forward and it’s starting to look less like we live in a crack house and more like we just moved in last week and are overhauling the mess the previous owners left. BB turns 36 tomorrow. I still haven’t graduated from school. I fell off my shoes in a parking lot on Monday and sprained my ankle. BB and I will celebrate our sixth anniversary next weekend. The cats are still bringing in live (and dead) animals and my book club is still going strong – though again, I have neglected our online presence.

(Incidentally, if you’d like to read along, we just finished The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society and are starting The Double Comfort Safari Club: The New No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency. We also are eating a lot of dips, cheese and crackers, and macaroons. Feel free to join in on that, too.)

If you’d like to stalk my new business – but promise not to send me hate mail or some poisonous powder in a suspicious envelope – you can become a fan of Noteworthy Invitations on Facebook, or follow Noteworthy on Twitter (@NWInvites). Be kind, please; I’m just starting out.

For those of you very loyal people, I apologize for indulging myself in explanations and rambling. For those of you who have disappeared for lack of content to ridicule, meh. I kind of don’t care.