Category Archives: Lucille & Charles

The more you know…

Posted by Elizabeth in Listing, Lucille & Charles, Muse, Random Shit, Totally normal

NBC

Like an afterschool special, I am here FOR YOU. A community service, if you will. A fount of good information to help you be your best you.  So today, I ask the question:

Did you know?

1.       That the reason aluminum is the main ingredient in deodorant is because that’s what keeps you from stinking? And that “all-natural, aluminum-free” deodorant is code for makes-you-stink?

2.       That giant glue traps designed to catch roaches can stick to a cat’s hind end?

3.       That a combination of scissors, Palmolive and Wesson oil can’t get that kind of glue off?

4.       That my vet will bathe a cat for only $20?

5.       That Facebook might be just the thing to get a man out of his dark, jobless depression?

6.       That while the rest of the country is buried in ice and snow, North Carolina has 70 degree weather with howling winds and eerie pink skies?

7.       That Doritos, Gatorade, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, Quaker and everything in your pantry is a PepsiCo product?

8.       That trying to ban PepsiCo products is next to impossible?

9.       That Coke Zero is the best-tasting thing since Coke?

10.   That my world is upside down?

You know what it is? I forgot to pray and love.

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to, Anxiety, Lamenting, Listing, Lucille & Charles, Muse, Random Shit, Totally normal, WTF?

Right now:

There is a Julia Roberts marathon on USA.

I’m reading the BlogHer ’10 tweets and wondering about these girls.

A pile of bank papers on my coffee table is staring at me.

My cat is desperately trying to meld her body with mine.

I can’t organize my thoughts well enough to write more than a list.

But I’m trying.

Last summer I wrote a post about Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love, a book that has stuck with me ever since. The eating part I’ve got down pat; it’s the other stuff I – and undoubtedly every other woman who’s read that book – am working on. I forget though. Do you ever find yourself starting those good habits like exercising and eating right and calling your mother every Sunday and then find that two weeks have passed and you missed that one day and then that other day and then all good intentions are no more? You’re not alone. Or maybe I’m the only one. Who gives a shit, really…the important thing is that the praying and the loving are far more essential to getting down to the root of what ails me.

I am failing at my business. Oh, I have customers, and I have people who buy things from me and who plan to get gifts for birthdays and graduations and so forth. But in the grand scheme of things, like THE BUDGET, I’m failing. I am not a good record-keeper, I am a terrible mathematician and I have no head for business. I love the work itself, but I hate the business and the voices in my head were right: this probably wasn’t a good idea. There’s no one to rely on – or blame – but me, and it’s far easier to give up than try to fix a mess. It makes me feel awful though, and I fear that the awfulness will get the better of me.

Additionally, that gentle, relaxed feeling I had leftover from vacation is gone and the tension of real life has crept back into my shoulders like stubborn ivy, winding its way up my neck and down my spine and choking the life out of my head. There is intense fear and anxiety about the expectations I have for myself. I did not register for school. I am terrified to teach this semester. I am ashamed that I am not a better housekeeper or wife and that I have failed at my business venture.

I have educated myself enough about my anxiety to know that there are definable triggers and that there are steps I can take to head off the avalanche that comes so easily. I can meditate, I can reduce distractions, I can focus myself and my thoughts, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Just like the business, it’s easier to give up than to fix a mess. I take my medication, most of the time, but there is work I know I should do right along with that. Is it that I’m lazy? Is it too much to tackle at once? Do I forget? I don’t have the answers.

Praying and loving are these two huge words – these touchy feely warm fuzzy words that are repulsive and comforting at the same time. Praying for some people involves a church or mosque or synagogue; for other people, it’s just a quiet moment that is private and personal. I don’t know what it is for me. I forget how to do it, mostly because I think I’m doing it wrong or that God is sitting there (up there? out there?) shaking his head at me and adding my name to that list of people who got left in the oven too long. So I just skip right over it because really, what would I pray about anyway?

Loving, for me, comes back to that whole thing about being an asshole. I know that I shouldn’t be an asshole and that I should love other people, but I don’t know that I’m aware of how to do that. I could write a whole other list of shortcomings right here that would take up 14 hours of my time, and all of it involves being self-centered and too afraid to tell people I love them because they might not say it back. How do you know you love someone or something to begin with? I don’t mean romantic love – I have BB and I put a ring on his finger and so he’s contractually required to love me until I do something to piss him off. And vice versa. I’m talking about the other kind of love – the kind that (I think) is what you reserve for friends and ideas and yourself.

I really don’t know what I’m talking about here other than to say that life has confounded me in such a way that I feel as though I’m at a 4-way stop sign with no directions. It does that to everyone, I totally know that, but what happens to you isn’t nearly as important as what happens to me. See? I’m an asshole.

Finally, before Pretty Woman ends and I strangle the fur off my cat, I should say that two weeks ago I had a conversation with one of my best friends about traveling abroad for a period of time. Neither one of us knows how we will finance it or where exactly we’ll go, or what we’ll do when we get there, but we have good intentions. If it happens, it will be a lesson in selflessness and compassion, both of which I desperately need. If you’re the praying sort, send us your good wishes so that we might focus and develop this. If you’re the loving sort, send us your love because we probably need that too.

If it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all.

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Family, Lucille & Charles, Muse, Random Shit, Totally normal, WTF?

All of this was yesterday. ALL OF IT.

BB: Hey, I’m washing the cars today. Going to get some Armor All.

Me: Uh, okay.

BB: I need you to come home right now because I accidentally set off the car alarm when I was cleaning the locks on the door handles and the alarm drained the battery and now my car is dead and the neighbors are looking and I had to disconnect the horn fuse and ALL I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS WASH THE CAR.

Me: Uh, okay.

BB: I don’t understand it. All I was trying to do was wash the car. That’s it. WASH THE CAR. But the alarm wouldn’t turn off and I tried to put the key in the ignition and it wouldn’t work and my keyless entry is broken and you have to come home right now.

Me: *Sigh.*

Charlie the Cat: I don’t know what’s wrong with you people, but you disturbed the neighbors and now their dog got out and I’m over here howling and no one is paying attention. You’re all a bunch of assholes.

Me: This is going to be a shitty day.

BB: I’m taking you to get lunch at the drive-thru because I have to drive your car to BFE to get Nissan to replace this dead battery and oh yeah, they should probably replace and reset my keyless entry that hasn’t worked in 5 years.

Me: Could this day get any more annoying?

Me: Never ask that question.

BB: I’m back and now the battery doesn’t work because it’s the wrong kind because those people are stupid and don’t know what a NISSAN IS!

Me: …

BB: I’m taking it back. To BFE. Find a ride home from work.

Customer: I’ll be there at 5:30 when you get home from work!

Dad: What’s wrong now? Why are you calling me?

BB: I can’t help it that the alarm is going off again! I can’t! I hate this fucking car!

Me: …

Customer: Is your car alarm going off? Should you check on that?

BB: Screw it. I don’t need a car. I’ll take you to work and you can get your mom to drive you around forever and ever.

Me: I really have nothing to say.

Me: Oooh, except yes I do. Here on the Internet it says to lock and unlock the car door three times and that should reset…well, everything.

BB: Huh.  Would you look at that.

Me: I guess now is not the time to tell you that you can get those keyless entry batteries at Wal-Mart. And also, they sell car batteries there.

BB: This is the worst day ever.

Lucy the Cat: I agree. You’re all assholes.

A love like ours

Posted by Elizabeth in Good Stuff, Lucille & Charles, Muse, Rejoicing, Totally normal

We’ve had a troubled relationship, you and I. I laid eyes on you for the first time and knew that I was in love with you, but I also knew that you’d break my heart. I looked at your face, I looked into your eyes and when you cocked your head at me, I smiled and that was it.

The first sign of trouble was the first month I knew you. The timing wasn’t always right, we thought we’d have more space than we did, and we weren’t as devoted to each other as we hoped. But you and I gradually found a routine and it worked. The time we spent together was precious, and I woke up every day loving you a little bit more. I didn’t think it was possible to open my heart as big as I did, but I just couldn’t help it.

On our first anniversary there were people with us to celebrate, and you looked like you always do: assured and confident and – though not on purpose – a little aloof. You felt comfortable in your skin and you loved being the center of attention, even if you wouldn’t admit it. I’ve never been more proud of you.

There are times you exasperate me, there are times you betray me, and there are times you behave poorly. We both know this, but our love transcends the hard moments and we still look into each other’s eyes and love resides there. I’m not the only one to feel this way about you; you worked your way into two hearts and you’ve stayed there.

Today, on your birthday, I count the years and want three times as many. I want you to feel free, but I want you to always come home to me. I want to bury my face in your fur, scratch your sweet little head and feel your cold nose on mine.

We’ve had a troubled relationship, you and I. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Happy 6th birthday, Lucy and Charlie. I love you both immeasurably, and yes, I know that makes me crazy.

Days and Confused

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to, Anxiety, Daily, Lucille & Charles, Muse, Shopping, The Almighty TV, WTF?

Listen up: All comments on Half Baked, Twice as Good now through Friday will earn $1 each for Haiti relief. So comment, discuss, hate, whatever you want. Just comment and send your friends to do it too.

Good…Tuesday…morning. I’m all kinds of confused today since we had yesterday off as a holiday. Like, last night we went over to some friends’ for dinner and when we got home I was all Awesome! Iron Chef time! and really it was Bachelor time and before I could turn the channel really quick I saw Pilot Boy and Nutso Crazy Girl on a one-on-one date and I squealed and turn the TV off before anything else was revealed to me. (That part’s not entirely true, but I didn’t want this post to turn into some Bachelor spoiler thing. Blech.)

Anyway, hope you all enjoyed your weekend. Mine was part slug, part do-stuff. Meaning I laid around from after-work Friday until Monday morning, accomplishing one half of a load of laundry and THAT IS IT. Sunday night I looked at myself in the mirror and was like, Whoa. Is divorce court open on Sunday night? That’s where we’re headed when BB gets a load of this. But then yesterday morning I popped out of bed, washed my hair (doesn’t washing your hair do wonders for self-esteem?) and headed out for a day of brunch, errands, and accomplishing shit.

What’s the point of all this? Ah, I remember now.

A while back my therapist suggested that I keep a small notebook of Daily Accomplishments. One thing I’ve discovered in my countless therapy sessions is that, among my many other faults, I belittle things I have done or accomplished on a regular basis. I also am the QUEEN of self-deprecating comments, which I’m pretty sure starts to get annoying after a while. So my therapist thought if I wrote down 3 things – any 3 big, small or in-between – I accomplished at the end of the day, I’d sleep better and have a little more faith in myself.

Like any newly-started habit, I did it for about three or four days and quit. And I found myself yesterday making the derogatory comments about myself again, belittling things I’ve done or that I’m secretly proud of, and I remembered the little notebook. When I got in bed last night, I looked at it again, sitting there innocently on my bedside table and briefly considered writing a few things down in it before I drifted off into red-wine Enya land. (Those were last night’s sleep aids.) Instead, I thought of three things, committed them to memory and settled down to breathe in Lucy fur for the rest of the night.

Hindsight being what it is, I should have written those things down. I sort of remember the thought process this morning, but I don’t remember exactly what I was proud of last night. Yes, I went to Wal-Mart and didn’t have to escape and managed to distract myself from what Wal-Mart actually is. And I went to a crowded restaurant and sat by myself at a table for a few minutes while I waited for a friend. And I installed a thingy to hold my ironing board and iron. See what I mean? These are little, very little, things. But if we take stock of our days, clear the cobwebs out of our brain and think about it, little things are things to be celebrated.

Even if I did rot in my pajamas for 48 hours.