Category Archives: Lamenting

What the hell, Santa?

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Lamenting, Muse

I’m in a funk, y’all. It’s not a Bah Humbug-y kind of funk, it’s just a fierce wish that Christmas vacation will get here TOMORROW DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN kind of funk.

There’s frustration in the air around here with everyone I know. We’re frustrated that deadlines are passed or attention isn’t paid to them, we’re frustrated that cars or houses need to be repaired, and we’re frustrated that extra bills are coming due right here at Christmas.

What’s a frustrated girl to do? I don’t know, y’all. In the last few days I’ve been trying to come up with some low-cost or free ways to relieve stress and have a little fun while I’m doing it. So far I’ve bought HBO, but that didn’t really up my jolly factor to be honest.

Every night when I go to bed, I think “I hope tomorrow will be better,” and y’all, it’s just not. The end of any semester is always hectic, but this one is particularly so. Reports are due, papers are late, grades haven’t been put in and I don’t have the energy to work when I get home – even though home is the only quiet place I have. Sort of.

Wow, this is depressing.

Next Thursday I will start my holiday vacation and it will run until January 3rd. We haven’t been out of town all year long, so I’m hoping that somewhere in that 2 week span I can scrounge up some extras to plan a little overnight stay somewhere. I will also be spending my break moving my house back around into some kind of order that doesn’t suffocate me. (Two years ago we rearranged to accommodate my business, but we didn’t do it right, and now we’re stuck under piles and piles of heavy, too-big furniture with nowhere to move and no way to fix it.)

So there you have it. I’m crabby, I’m tired, I’m at a loss for how to get happy again and I’m about to spend the last $1000 I have on car repairs. Santa, oh dear sweet Santa, WHERE ARE YOU?!

Poison

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Lamenting, Muse, Politics, WTF?

I read your blog for a while. I looked at your pictures, giggled at your funny stories about other people and then I GOT INTO IT.  You had really great things to say and a lot of ideas that were thought-provoking. You spurred a lot of people on to try new things in their own writing styles on their own blogs; you pushed the envelope, except not really. You pushed it in the not-so-gentle way people do when they aren’t familiar with how to do it, like making new friends by handing out your grandmother’s leftover Oxycodone and then your friends are hooked and you’re in trouble and you’re lying and stealing your way out of this make-new-friends scenario.

Yup. That’s about how it went.

I’m a joiner most of the time. I like to get on a bandwagon but – a BIG BUT right here – I’m pretty good at jumping off at just the right time. Just before it gets superbad on the wagon, just before there’s mutiny and starvation, I jump off and congratulate myself for avoiding catastrophe.

And so now we have a bandwagon and some Oxy. TRY TO KEEP UP.

I’m disappointed in the blogosphere this year, to be quite frank. I was so pumped to head to Blissdom in February, BlogHer in August, and The Blathering in October. I really had it all set up in my mind for how it would go: I would finally FINALLY meet IN PERSON all these great people I’ve known for a while  and we would realize that we were twins unfortunately separated at birth but who have prospered and thrived in our own ways and have now come back together to create this unstoppable team of writing and design.

So yeah. Maybe I set the bar a little high.

Anyway, I’m disappointed that I didn’t get to go to any of these events this past year, but I’m more upset at the relationships that have gone sour among bloggers and writers and designers I respect. I’m embarrassed that the wagon I jumped upon had an underlying message of, mostly, hate. I hate that I lost some time I could have spent reading and researching more things I’m interested in rather than analyzing and discussing situations and relationships I have no business knowing about.

In short: I’m mad that I trusted and respected a writer who does some low-down, dirty stuff to other people.

 

 

 

Caution: Accent vlog. View at your own risk.

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Good Stuff, Lamenting, Random Shit, WTF?

This is the accent vlog that’s going around amongst those Blatherers that leave for Austin next weekend. I did it, I’m not especially proud of it since it’s my first foray into the world of the webcam and I’m doing this weird stage whisper thing because Brian’s asleep. And…full disclosure: I had already taken my Ambien before I started this which accounts for the slightly groggy, Valley Girl-esque vibe. Although upon further review, this is boring as ALL HELL. I feel so much sorrier for the students in my classes now. Plus, the video is super grainy and why? I’ll be damned if I know. I gotta say: watching yourself on camera is JUST SO DISTURBING.

The notes for what I’m talking about are below. Apparently I forgot the part where I’m supposed to talk about where I’m from and why I pronounce things the way I do. I’m from right outside of Raleigh, NC, have lived in North Carolina mostly all my life, and that accounts for everything that comes out of my mouth, I’m afraid.

Say the following words:
Aunt, route, wash, oil, theatre, iron, salmon, caramel, fire, water, sure, data, ruin, crayon, toilet, New Orleans, pecan, both, again, probably, spitting image, Alabama, lawyer, coupon, mayonnaise, syrup, pajamas, caught
And answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that curls into a ball when you touch it?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

Here goes. Maybe just laugh quietly to yourself, ok?

Elusive Sleep, Part II

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Lamenting, Muse, Totally normal

For the past few weeks, maybe longer, I’ve been lying awake for HOURS trying to get to sleep. I’ve been taking Ambien for quite a while – not a secret – and it helps me stay asleep like a charm. But getting there, Y’ALL. It’s like…something really hard. I can’t think of anything right now.

Some nights I turn on Pandora and try to choose something soothing, but inevitably I either sing along to the songs, get annoyed with Pandora’s choices or just get annoyed in general that I’m having to listen to something. Other nights I try to meditate, but my mind OH HOW IT WANDERS. There have to be ways to quiet my mind at bedtime. Just before writing this I made a list of all the things I’m worried about or that weigh heavily on my thoughts. The plan, you see, is that this would take all those thoughts out of my head and deposit them somewhere else for safekeeping until tomorrow.

Not so much. That list has 19 things on it. NINETEEN. Granted, some of them I listed twice. Some of them are weirdo health things that are most likely anxiety induced but worry me just the same. Some of them are work related and some are holiday stuff. Yes, YES I AM ALREADY WORRIED ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS. Where will we spend Christmas? What am I getting everyone? Will there be enough money to go around for the entire family? What if there isn’t? What if I can’t convince family members that we should skip gifts this year and do something good for the planet and/or its people?

And then there’s the weird paranoia that I’m not supposed to talk about on the Internet but that has to do with…a word that rhymes with jerk. But not spelled that way, IF YOU GET MY CRAZY SUBTLE CLUES. Which leads me to think about my list of things I need to do tomorrow, and why not just worry about them now instead of waiting until the morning? If I think hard enough about it now surely the answer will come to me, yes? And if I consult my Google calendar 42 times in the next 15 minutes than surely I’ll be prepared for all my appointments tomorrow, yes?

Help me stop the madness, y’all. There’s a yoga class I want to join this week but I am the opposite of flexible, and I don’t have a mat and is it okay to wear pajamas to yoga? Because that’s not so much relaxing sounding in my head. And then I could take a hot shower but wet head in the bed? No way. Milk? I’ll just have to pee more. All the lights out for quiet time? Obviously you’re not listening.

And yes, before you ask, I consume caffeine. Two Coke Zeroes a day at max, and I try really hard to quit at noon. So the solution for tonight is to write it all down right here and hope for the best.

Wish me luck, y’all.

How to make me cry on my day off

Posted by Elizabeth in Lamenting, Totally normal

Car man: Mrs. Baker, I need to see you back here in the garage, please.

Me: TOTALLY DIDN’T DO IT WHATEVER IT IS.

Him: Yes ma’am, that’s right. We’ll just peek right here under the [something technical that didn't make sense].

Me: I don’t know what any of this is.

Him: All you really need to know, ma’am, is that these are moving parts that don’t work anymore.

Me: Fucking European cars.

Him: That’ll be $1000. Well, $967 with the discount.

Me: Sure thing, buckaroo. I’ll schedule that repair RIGHT AWAY.