Category Archives: Daily

Welcome to the Four Seasons

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to, Daily, Family, Good Stuff, Muse, The Weather

So I’m sitting up in bed, roughly around midnight, typing on this lovely but God-forsaken netbook I’m using these days. I’ve been stricken with a summer cold, for lack of a better term, and it’s KICKING MY ASS. I had this whole 5 day holiday thing worked out, including pool time, beach time, movie time, eat something not on Weight Watchers time and BAM! This cold has made me its bitch.

I have a lot of half-posts I’ve written lately. I was going to do all these fun, intelligent things about design and how our minds see images without predisposed opinions. (On second thought, that doesn’t make sense.) Then I was going to write a list about what the Internet and Its People have taught me over the last couple of months. (Surprisingly, quite a bit.) And then I have this really cool post coming about a memory I have of being 8 or 9 in July. Because, you know, it’s July.

But instead of topping off those half-done projects, I’m going to start another one. Warning up front: Brian doesn’t know I’m about to talk about these things. Like every other plan we’ve ever had, this one will sink like a cinder block. TRUST ME. It’s still fun to talk about, though.

Have you ever thought about picking your shit up and just moving away? I don’t mean the next water district over, or into that 10,000 square foot foreclosure by the country club. I mean AWAY. Away, away, away. Like, House Hunters International Checks out Amsterdam! away. Actually, my first preference would be the Loire Valley of France, or perhaps Brittany, right on the English Channel, but my adventure partner, who doesn’t yet know about his adventure, wouldn’t be up for it.

Instead, I have decided that this is the very last summer I can put up with this heat without doing something about it. We – both of us – are FUCKING MISERABLE. Granted, I don’t live in Texas or the Death Valley or whatever, so yes, some of you are hotter. But I can’t take the two seasons per year thing. We have scorching brutally humid hot, and sometimes okay, rainy, coolish cold. That’s it. We can’t enjoy outside stuff in the summer because of mosquitoes and the drought (and it’s too hot) and we don’t live close enough to either the beach or the mountains to take advantage of other weathery thingies.

So yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and look for jobs for one or the both of us. I’m going to look at houses up in the mountains of (some) state. I want a screen porch that allows me to enjoy myself without needing a baby pool to catch my sweat. I want to plant some plants that won’t automatically die once they’ve figured out where they are. I want to see the seasons change. You know, like CHANGE. I don’t want to have to keep my flip flops and cropped pants out just in case this Thanksgiving is like all the other ones before it. I’d like to wear a pretty sweater more than once during the winter.

Again, I haven’t officially brought this up with Brian. What’s the point right now? It’s a pipe dream.

A cool, rainy, screen porch, Wellies, good grocery stores and schools, fun cultural activity kind of dream.

Lodge and in charge

Posted by Elizabeth in Beach, Daily, Listing, Random Shit, Totally normal, WTF?

I made a sudden decision tonight to replace all our ceilings with bead board, or at least some tobacco barn slats that I feel sure we have leftover from the farm project. I figure it’s super easy: sand that popcorny shit, slap a few boards up, have fun with the nail gun and BAM! Ceiling city. Maybe I can do that when I’m off on Friday.

I also made a sudden discovery tonight: I LIKE CAMPING. I’m not sure that roughing it can be defined in only one way, so I’m going to define it MY way: camping is, not sleeping in your own bed, it’s being able to see stars/moon/sun/streetlights from your bed, and it’s taking enough food into that sleeping area, wherever it may be, that you don’t rely on trail mix and melted snow if you get lost. BURGERS, lost people, PORK CHOPS. As some of us may recall from childhood, camping was a fort in the backyard. As adults, I say we bring back the Living Room Fort. We bring it back with pillows, blankets, those old refrigerator boxes, laundry baskets, step stools, THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

As if these weren’t already good enough ideas, I bombarded my mind with extra ideas it needs. (It always needs extra ideas.) My ideas are as follows:

  1. Make a new friend everyday. Now admittedly, some of us don’t run into a lot of people throughout the day and that can make this task seem daunting. A new friend can be the Canada goose who poos on your sidewalk. Your new friend can be the multi-pierced fellow at the grocery store who wants to touch your produce. It doesn’t matter, y’all. You’re just looking to make ONE new friend. Pick an interesting one.
  2. Be glad for one thing everyday. Today, I am glad that the people who live behind us in the weird house with the sketchy brown fence didn’t get hurt during what appeared to be, at the time, an electrical fire. Although, she’s a former art teacher, so BB and I concocted some fun, what-if stories that we’ll just share at a later date. (What if she was burning some kind of giant plastic bleach jug for an “art” project and then her family got home and was all “MOM! That’s bleach and FIRE!” And she’s all “No, kids. This is art.”)
  3. Oh, my other idea. This one rocks so steady, I can’t even stand it. Here it is, are you ready?

That’s right, y’all. THROWBACK VINTAGE ’60s style MOTOR-FUCKING-LODGE! My SIL stayed for a night this weekend and absolutely fell in love with it. The little guy at the front desk flips open the book to see if there are rooms available. And if there are rooms, he will hand you a real key with a giant plastic number as he pencils in your reservation. WITH A PENCIL. And dogs are allowed and even encouraged. And I just can’t say with any certainty that it will be the finest place I ever stay in, BUT! I think we might try it Brady style. Load up the wagon, stock the kitchenette, bring our beach towels and get the sheets sandy. I mean, hello…it’s the ATLANTIS LODGE.

Bitches.

I really did it this time.

Posted by Elizabeth in Daily

Well, it finally happened. (I actually am not referring to the Twitter/Dooce debacle of last week, although that happened and it was all because I am a SUPERBITCH on Twitter. I need to quit that.)

What finally happened is that I graduated with a Master of Arts degree in English, with a concentration in Technical & Professional Communication. When I say “finally,” I really mean it, because that goddamned degree was started in 2006, though I wasn’t officially accepted into the program until 2007…I’m boring you here, huh? Who am I kidding, I’m boring myself.

I am excited to be back to the land of lists, where shit gets done in an orderly manner.This list is all about the people who got this degree because, kittens, it was a group effort; I’m just the one keeping the diploma at my house.

1. My grandparents, who were extra awesome and who both had graduate degrees themselves. They never for one minute my whole life ever didn’t bring up education. He was a lawyer, she was a Yale-educated piano teacher and they both pushed and pushed to make sure my brother and I understood that education is not so much an option. It’s required. Not just for a job, or for prosperity or whatever; it’s required for life. Education is required in order for you to lay your head down at night and sleep with the knowledge that you are not an idiot. So even though it pains me to say this, and brings me to giant crocodile tears, they are not here today to see me giddy and excited and non-stop-won’t-shut-up-already. But I know they were there last Monday, holding both of my hands steady as I finished my defense. They are crazy awesome like that.

2. That whole group of people who did one of the following things. A) Nagged. Facebook, Elizabeth? Really? Isn’t there studying to do?  or I know you think this Dancing with the Stars is all important, but the reality is that YOU BETTER GET THIS FUCKING DEGREE, ELIZABETH. That one was from…well, that’s not important. B) Supported. I got emails and text messages – FLOWERS! – cards, phone calls and good-luck tweets. And this wasn’t just during the week before my defense, but in the YEARS, y’all, YEARS I spent on this thing. C) They also, mercifully, forgot. God bless the people who just plain forgot to ask me how school is going because frankly, you forgot at the most opportune time. You forgot on the days that all I wanted to do was forget and pretend like it didn’t exist. So thank you, really, thank you.

3. The Gold Star Given, my parents, who offered all that stuff I said above and then some. I think if I needed a new house in Malibu with a convertible and 24/7 housekeeper in order for me to finish this thing, they would’ve been all, Dude, it’s already there waiting for you. What? No other requests? Because we’ll handle it for crying out loud, WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR YOU TO FINISH THIS FUCKING DEGREE. And that’s why I got to be the lucky duck I am.

4. All those poor, poor suckers who work with me. Thank you for forgiving me on the days I jammed the copier and then left 100 pages of Adult Learning Pedagogy floating around. Thanks for putting up with my endless questions about “What if I don’t graduate? (the answer to that was that they’d already answered that question 42 times and shut up, please). Thank you for overlooking the loud noises of the conference call with my advisor, who was in a bar on St. Patty’s Day at the time, as we shouted questions back and forth to each other. Thanks for being patient on my extra cranky days. And thanks for filling up the fridge with Coke Zeros and bringing homemade chocolate cheesecake and generally being nice to me.

5. BB. He helped me study. He bought me notebooks and pens and highlighters. Some semesters he cooked every single meal we ate and washed every load of laundry we had. Some semesters he helped me learn to meditate and calm myself so that the panic wouldn’t take over. He sacrificed the very sacred Time of Television in our house and replaced it with intellectual classical music, which he swears makes anyone smarter. (I’m inclined to agree.) He called me every day to remind that I’d be alright. He supported me the semesters I needed to drop out to handle my bidness. He didn’t gripe when I simply had to have a brand new laptop with bells and whistles. He never once has expressed his resentment to me (though I know it’s there) for the times that I have ignored him, been ugly to him (I blame stress), refused to pull my weight around the house and he’s never once been angry that paying for school felt like paying down the national deficit.

6. All the people who prayed, because I don’t know if I deserve that. Brian told me on Easter that every Sunday during the prayer after Communion (we’re Episcopal) he prays that I will succeed at school. If that’s not the sweetest thing you ever heard, just keep on reading. I have a friend and co-worker whose uncle is a student in one of my classes. I had complained in class for weeks that my defense was forthcoming and I was nervous. On Easter Sunday, my friend, the student/uncle, my friend’s mother and the rest of their family went up in church for an altar call in my name. Now, I’m not exactly sure what that means, but the important part is that somewhere out there, in a church I’ve never been to, a group of people who are not my family joined together and prayed for my successful degree completion. That simply astounds and humbles me.

7. The people who got forgotten about. I haven’t been the most super friend around for a real long time, but I have a good three or four friends left! And one of them is not my television!

So yeah. I’m excited. I’m not walking in the ceremony but I’m getting that damn diploma and it’s going in a giant frame in my office where millions (okay, tens) of people will see it every day. BOOYAH.

Destruction

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Family, Farm, Lamenting, The Weather

We have a family farm about 15 minutes outside of town. This morning, Brian and I rode out to see if there was any damage from yesterday’s storms (on the news here, here and here). Our land and the farmhouse were spared. Others were not so fortunate. None of these pictures I took are of people I know, nor do I know who belongs to these houses. It doesn’t make me any less sad and heartbroken.

This was taken about a quarter mile from the farm. We kept saying that we don’t understand how a tornado behaves, not that anyone does. Why does it tear a path and suddenly stop? Why does it miss large structures and take small ones?

I love that we live in a county that is bordered by a large city on one end and lots of farmland on the other. In 30 minutes we can enjoy restaurants, concerts, museums and all the fun city stuff fun city people enjoy. But then we can take a short drive and be out. Out of the noise, out of the traffic, out of everything. It’s peaceful, like this.

Newcomers to our area come for the weather, ironically. We have warm, mild winters and hot, humid summers. In between there’s not much of either – instead there’s rain, sleet, snow, hail, tornadoes, hurricanes, floods. A famous saying around here is that if you don’t like the North Carolina weather, just wait five minutes. These people didn’t have five minutes.

Everywhere we went today there were old people and young people, all suited up with work gloves, rakes, ropes and chainsaws. We saw a man carry a big blue cooler, wider than he was, across railroad tracks. There were cars on the side of the road for half a mile, with neighbors and family members helping load up what was left of belongings.

We finished our drive around the county and were about a half mile from home, just across the railroad tracks and behind the grocery store. This was a mobile home owned by a man I know, although he thankfully wasn’t living there.

In Raleigh and Sanford, there was damage on a larger scale, if only because the structures were larger and the concentration of people exposed to the storms was wider. There were deaths all over the place and some of those included children. Tomorrow there will probably be more people found. North Carolina hasn’t seen this type of tornado damage in over 25 years.

Deadline

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Daily, Muse, Totally normal

I need to focus.

I need to find calm and clarity.

I need to stop being a people-pleaser.

I need to learn to say no.

I need to find faith in myself.

I need to find strength in my knowledge.

I need to become and remain devoted to what I know is real.

I need to return to writing what moves me.

I need to adjust my attention.

I need to rely on others, if just for a time.

I need to ask for support and allow myself to breathe.

I need to realize that considering myself isn’t selfish.

I am presenting four years worth of graduate degree work on April 25th at 3:00 in the afternoon. I have not finished; I am not ready. I am terrified and excited to show off what I’ve done, except I can’t really remember what I’ve done because I took the last year off. I am exhausted and not sleeping, though I suspect school is only part of it. I feel pulled in two million directions, though I also suspect that is of my own doing.

My therapist used to tell me that I was my own worst critic. Which is absolutely true, because I am constantly thinking in my mind that someone is looking at me funny or strange, or that they are judging me silently. And while this may be the case, why do I give a flying fuck? Why can’t I teach myself to have confidence in my knowledge, or my work, or myself?

I am smart, dammitall. I know what I’m talking about. I can somehow, some way, pull together enough information and knowledge from my own brain to prove to other people that I DO DESERVE THAT DEGREE. Can’t I?

Why oh why must I constantly question myself? Right now as I type this I’m worried that you all (the ones of you that are left, that is) are thinking to yourselves that every sentence in this post begins with “I.” And then I’m thinking, Well, who really cares? Because this is my personal blog and that means I’ve given myself permission to say whatever the fuckity fuck fuck I want to say. But that’s not really the case, is it? I still look around all day and wonder who thinks my hair is greasy, or who is judging the length of my pants, or whether my cankles are particularly stand-outy today.

It’s been quite some time since I meditated, though it hasn’t been that long since I tried. I couldn’t focus this past time; my mind wandered and I couldn’t drown out the sounds in my house. Asking someone – someone who is AROUND ALL THE TIME GOD HELP ME – to keep it down is like asking an elephant to look a little shorter in a picture.

I don’t know where I’m going with all of this except to say that I need some focus and attention to detail. I need some advice, Internet. What do you do when you need to completely drown out all the noise of the world so you can figure out what the hell you’re actually doing?

I need to know this.

I need to find some peace within myself.

I need to graduate.