Half Baked, Twice as Good

So lemme run this down for you, real list-like. The last few days since I got home from New Orleans have sucked in a special way, and because I was all Pollyanna this weekend with my “Hey! Let’s help people!” rant, I feel entitled to bitch now.

1. I have something. It’s some kind of snotty, nasty, energy-sucking thing that’s also causing panic attacks. I wish I were kidding.

2. I have to teach a class at 5:00 today. It’s technically the 3rd week of class but I’ve only laid eyes on these people once, and I swear to you, for all I know they are Joan Rivers look-a-likes. Yes, people. I am THAT good at education.

3. I have fallen out of favor with the socialites, and I wish I could say that I didn’t care, but I also wish I could say that I did. In reality, most of my frenemies need AA. Just a little message. (Did you like my Danielle Staub reference there? What? You don’t know who she is? Get thee to a television NOW.)

4. My hair is dirty and it’s possible that I also smell, showers notwithstanding. I think when you’re sick AND you’re in a bad mood, stink just seeps out of your pores.

5. I just lost 5 readers and 1 Twitter follower for that graphic and vaguely disgusting imagery.

6. The heat, y’all. The goddamned heat. If Hurricane Earl comes this way, and it’s kind of looking like it, there better be rain and at least 5-degree cooler temperatures. OR ELSE I’M MOVING TO MAINE. Consider yourself warned, Maine.

7. On a good note, the friends loyal and true to me are ones who warm the cockles of my heart. I have this one lovely friend who flew to NC this weekend just so she could host some friends for dinner at her mother’s house. She had me print up menu cards and she cooked a three-course meal, in the grand tradition of Southern hostesses. I swear, Yankees, I’m just not sure you know what you’re missing.

8. Hey, did you watch the Emmys? The dresses were ridiculously ridiculous this year. Actually I’m just talking about January Jones. The rest of them were kind of boring. Woo, but do you know who’s NOT boring? Tom and Lorenzo. The love I have for those boys is just ginormous and I think I need to up the gay quotient in my life. I really think that’s what might be missing, y’all.

January Jones, looking ridiculous at the 2010 Emmys in Atelier Versace.

9. I’m all done with the listing for today, mostly because the Diet Coke has kicked in and I’m a twirling, nervous wreck. What is it about illness that brings on the panic attacks? I’ll never know.

Have a great Tuesday, dolls. In the words of the ever-profound New Jersey housewives, I am not garbage.

All my friends that have children are so funny about August. Half of them are sending kids off to kindergarten and so they have broken hearts and empty houses during the day. The other half are counting the days until school starts back and their favorite commercial is the office supply store one with the dad dancing around to “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”

We returned from our week-long family beach trip yesterday and we are happy, slightly tan and rested but exhausted, if that makes sense. We’re exhausted from visiting, from finding things to talk about with people who can’t count conversation as their strong suit, and from filling our bellies with shrimp, crab and fish. (And maybe some cheese dip and margaritas and cookies and lemon meringue pie and tomato sandwiches with real mayonnaise and ice cream…)

We are rested though, because we basically did nothing. The most exercise we got was from hauling our crap down to the beach and back up to the house, and really BB did that. We swam – a lot – and we lolled about in the sand until we got rashy and bumpy, which is an okay trade off. We played shark and pulled our nieces around in innertubes. We people-watched and criticized bathing suits and tattoos (we already know we’re hypocrites, don’t worry). We read books, had deep discussions and tried to avoid olive appetizers and bourbon slushies. (Eww and eww.)

In short, we had a really good time.

Now, though, the real world faces us, as it does everyone who returns from vacation, and for me, school will begin in a week. I will be teaching a class of 75 students (in an auditorium!) once a week, after my regular job. We will register new students, encourage the old ones and smile the smile of this-summer-wasn’t-nearly-long-enough.

I’m kind of with the kindergarten mothers: I’m not ready to let go, even though it’s time this weather cooled the hell off already. I’m also ready for football and for daylight to go away before bedtime. When you live here though, the seasons don’t change quickly, or on time.

Some days I’m really surprised that I’m not in charge of the world. I really am.

This is a belated post I promised about our office and how we repainted it and what it looks like now, which you will see, is different but not perfect and…still a mess. SHOCKING.

Before. WAY before.

BB said he might kill me if I posted this picture because it’s embarrassingly awful and he thinks it qualifies us for Hoarders. I said it was just a “work room” that we used for storage sometimes and that the Internet would understand and not judge us. Please note the wall color (ass), and the electronics tower that could topple if you look at it wrong.

So then we cleaned out all the junk, taped off the walls and really took a good, long look at this ugly room and bid it farewell.

The quality of this picture is quite terrible, but it’s the first wall of navy blue and we squealed because we loved it so. We hated the color of the hardwood floor before, and we still kind of do, but it looks so much better now and the trim really pops against the blue.

It made a huge difference really quickly.

Finished! Kind of.

This is the after, and again, the quality of the photo really is bad and doesn’t do the room justice. The sofa is a blue-gray leather and actually looks great against the blue walls. We haven’t hung pictures yet, but I did pick out some pillows that are kind of office-y but cute.

A family of 5 could live on these shelves.

Man these pictures are fuzzy. So this is one of the two shelving units we bought to store all our junk on. They’re giant. But they’re kind of industrial and they hold EVERYTHING. We swapped the rug for a faux sisal and the shelves now have matching seagrass lamps on them. It’s coming along, but it’s a vast improvement.

Trust me.

Okay, well maybe they are. This post is a little bit in bad taste because I’m going to complain about my in-laws. Some of them are “online” but heaven only knows how many of them actually know this here blog exists. I’m hoping it’s none.

Anyway, our annual Beachsplosion adventure starts next week and as you may recall from last year, I expected it to be a nightmare of epic proportions and it really turned out not so bad. Granted, there were a lot of people, and granted, there were some meltdowns but all in all it was tolerable and at some points, enjoyable!

We're staying here. How bad could it be?

We leave next Tuesday, but this time there are a few twists and turns. One, part of BB’s family we will miss altogether, as they will have come and gone before we ever get there. Two, my MIL’s boyfriend is coming – not new – and bringing one of his children. TOTALLY NEW. There’s a little bit of a stink about this. I’m waiting to see what happens, because at the least, it should be entertaining.

So here’s my packing list from last year, compared to this year:

1. 5 lbs. of homemade chicken salad Pick up a half gallon from the bbq place.

2. 4 cases of Pepsi products A couple bottles of water.

3. 7 pairs of shoes Beach flip flops and dressier flip flops.

4. Laptop, iPod speakers, chargers, portable DVD player, DVDs Two Droids and some headphones.

5. 20 lbs. worth of hardback bestsellers Couple of paperbacks, Kindle for Droid app.

6. Enough clothes to outfit Paris Hilton Bathing suit, perhaps some pajamas.

7. Snacks. A lot of snacks. Tequila.

8. Pasta, cereal, bread, farm veggies, casseroles Debit card for the grocery store and takeout.

9. Effort, energy and pleasantness Apathy, appetite, lazy bone.

I’m sure BB will have a great time being around his family, away from Pepsi and reading the fat Stephen King novel I bought him. And I’m sure I’ll just be drunk.

You know, typical family vacation.

All of this was yesterday. ALL OF IT.

BB: Hey, I’m washing the cars today. Going to get some Armor All.

Me: Uh, okay.

BB: I need you to come home right now because I accidentally set off the car alarm when I was cleaning the locks on the door handles and the alarm drained the battery and now my car is dead and the neighbors are looking and I had to disconnect the horn fuse and ALL I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS WASH THE CAR.

Me: Uh, okay.

BB: I don’t understand it. All I was trying to do was wash the car. That’s it. WASH THE CAR. But the alarm wouldn’t turn off and I tried to put the key in the ignition and it wouldn’t work and my keyless entry is broken and you have to come home right now.

Me: *Sigh.*

Charlie the Cat: I don’t know what’s wrong with you people, but you disturbed the neighbors and now their dog got out and I’m over here howling and no one is paying attention. You’re all a bunch of assholes.

Me: This is going to be a shitty day.

BB: I’m taking you to get lunch at the drive-thru because I have to drive your car to BFE to get Nissan to replace this dead battery and oh yeah, they should probably replace and reset my keyless entry that hasn’t worked in 5 years.

Me: Could this day get any more annoying?

Me: Never ask that question.

BB: I’m back and now the battery doesn’t work because it’s the wrong kind because those people are stupid and don’t know what a NISSAN IS!

Me: …

BB: I’m taking it back. To BFE. Find a ride home from work.

Customer: I’ll be there at 5:30 when you get home from work!

Dad: What’s wrong now? Why are you calling me?

BB: I can’t help it that the alarm is going off again! I can’t! I hate this fucking car!

Me: …

Customer: Is your car alarm going off? Should you check on that?

BB: Screw it. I don’t need a car. I’ll take you to work and you can get your mom to drive you around forever and ever.

Me: I really have nothing to say.

Me: Oooh, except yes I do. Here on the Internet it says to lock and unlock the car door three times and that should reset…well, everything.

BB: Huh.  Would you look at that.

Me: I guess now is not the time to tell you that you can get those keyless entry batteries at Wal-Mart. And also, they sell car batteries there.

BB: This is the worst day ever.

Lucy the Cat: I agree. You’re all assholes.