This afternoon Lucy and I were watching that incredibly philosophic show, What Not to Wear, and it was about a girl whose ex-husband had degraded her to the point that she no longer had any self esteem. This poor girl walked around in fake dreads and tutus so that she wouldn’t have to actually form an opinion of herself.
And I started to wonder how someone defines their self-worth. Is it important to you that you are recognized for your work? Does a compliment on your outfit or hair send your confidence soaring? Or do you need your family to appreciate you for who you are instead of who you could be, or who they want you to be?
The girl on the show – I think her name was Jessica – had a family that was trying so hard to help her see what was under the striped tights and goth t-shirts. They wanted her to look in the mirror and believe for herself that she is beautiful, hard as it may be.
I am not exploring this as a rhetorical conversation; I really want to know what you think. Tell me what it takes for you to say to yourself that you are truly a valuable person not only to the people in your life, but to the world as a whole?
(And if you don’t already think that, then you’re coming with me to therapy hour tomorrow afternoon.)
For the record, I don’t have answers to these questions. I love my family, and perhaps this isn’t exactly the way I should air my grievances, but I’ve been told my entire life that if I were smaller, if I were thinner, if I were able to fit into pretty clothes like everyone else, I would be someone special. It was suggested to me not that many years ago that the reason I was unemployed at the time was because of my appearance.
Partly because of that, along with many other things, I no longer know what value I have to the outside world. Sure I have friends that love me, and deep down I know my family loves me because they’re my family, but I still wonder every day of my life who’s judging me. The thing I hear most often about myself is that I’m funny, hilarious, clever, witty. I can make a joke at my own expense and endear myself to others, but I will never be taken seriously as long as I look different. I will always have a pair of eyes on me as I pass through the buffet line; I will always hear the girl across the room whisper to her friend what a shame it is that I turned out to be the fat black sheep.
I do not write this to garner pity or empathy or even a response. I write this because I want to relay my experience in hopes that you will share yours.
How do you define self worth?
Right now I would have more self worth if I could support myself. I used to, but marriage has made me too dependent and it makes me resent a perfectly nice man.
You know, Aretha, supporting ourselves doesn’t always have to be in the financial category. It can also mean that we believe in ourselves enough to KNOW that we could be more independent if we needed to.
It’s easy to resent someone in a marriage if you feel as though part of you is missing or has been taken away. A lot of times though, we make ourselves feel that way – not the other way around. (At least in my case.)
You know that you have reached your full potential in regards to self worth when you no longer fret over your worth in the eyes of others.
Wow. Well put.
I struggle with this also. I often think of the kids story The Velveeteen Rabbit. The rabbit became real because he was loved. I have the love of my Creator, my family, and friends. I too am not thin. As the rabbit was not velveeteen anymore. I forgive myself to be myself and not an image created by others. Do you think wittiness is a coping strategy? Cause I use it a lot.
Oh I definitely think humor is a coping strategy. I think we put it up as a shield to deflect attention away from ourselves and onto other people. If we can make them smile and laugh, then we’ve made them feel good and in our minds, they don’t pay attention to who we really are.
I totally agree with you…spot on.
yes i do think witnessing is a coping and a healing strategy.Using ur testimony encourages others and it helps u as well.It is good to know that u have the love of your creator,family and friends and thas all that matters.we cant please evryone but as long as those that matter are pleased thats all that counts.An if they are not u have to be happy with u.People change so your value and self worth is not attached to them.I like ur post.
When I read your comment about someone paying you a compliment, that hit a nerve. I do tend to put too much self worth in my appearance and am very self critical, so a compliment can go a long way. But I feel true self-worth when I am valued and appreciated by someone I care about. A special someone who sees qualities in you that you don’t or loves you for who you are, then I feel worthy.
I think we all put too much stock in our appearances, Lisa, so we all to some point fall in that category. We really should pay more attention to those around us that truly appreciate us for who we are.
I saw that episode of What Not to Wear and I was really moved by it! I think the people involved in making that show are really starting to realize that a lot of people that get nominated by their friends and family have deeper issues than just a bad wardrobe.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Self worth is absolutely an issue for me and a host of events in my life have affected my self worth. I feel true self worth when someone compliments who I am not how I look, for example, telling me I’m a good friend or a helpful daughter, sister, etc. Of course, I’m just as much of a sucker for a looks compliment as anyone else.
That’s such a great point Sarah – we should really focus on the attributes that make us who we are, not what we look like. It’s so cheesy to think that “beauty is on the inside” but we have to believe that in order to be our best selves, or something. Wait, this sounds like an Oprah show.
Point is, self worth is recognizing and appreciating who we are. Which is what I meant to say to begin with.
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Self worth is a feeling, not a tangible…appearance thing. Self worth is knowing you have made a difference to someone or some where. Self worth is knowing you have done the best you could and you feel good about what you accomplished or the final outcome. Self worth is all about you and what you think of yourself, your contributions, your outlook…hence the word “SELF” worth. Our self worth is what helps us overcome the shallow people that think appearance is why we got something or didn’t. Self worth is amazing and the best part…we control our own!
My mother recommended your blog. I’ve bookmarked your blog.