I don’t think I’ve talked about my therapy lately, well, because normally I don’t recount every session here for you to read and judge. *Smiles!* But I will share last week’s with you because it got to me like this big long shovel, reaching down into my gut and digging out the old moldy stuff that makes me have allergies and not breathe sometimes.
We talked about my childhood – the beloved golden compass of therapy, the holy grail, the manna from heaven, and my girl got what she wanted: tears, lots and lots of tears. I’ve said before that I didn’t realize how angry I was at some things, and at first, I didn’t know at what or whom I was angry. But then I wrote a letter (and six more in my head) and then my counselor asked the right questions and then suddenly I was crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath, and I was remembering things I haven’t thought of since I was 8 and HOLY CRAP THIS WOMAN IS WORTH THE MONEY.
I really wish she read this, because she gets so many free compliments, it’s ridiculous.
I was so exhausted after that encounter that I went home and tried desperately to do more than wander around like a limp noodle, but I failed. She gave me some online surveys to take which basically measure your relationship to yourself and how you view your strengths and weaknesses. Turns out that I’m not my biggest fan, and also that my strengths are that I don’t actually kill people even when I want to. Go me!
So I guess from here on out one of our goals is to teach me to “love myself” or some other sparkly rainbow bullshit and that I should try to unlearn the learned behavior of self-deprecation and self-loathing. (I kind of just made that up.) I’ve decided to give myself some gifts.
#1: I finally used my Sephora gift card from Christmas and loaded myself up on products that no one in this life really needs (i.e. Kim Kardashian’s perfume. Don’t hate me, but it’s kind of awesome.) I wrote myself this note on the gift card in the package that said something like “yay for facing your fears” and then I put little x’s and o’s on it so I would feel like I’m making out with myself.
#2: I was really conscious over the weekend about staying on track and taking my medication (aka “DRUGS!”) as prescribed so that I didn’t have to play whack-a-mole with the anxiety that would try to pop up now and then. Again, go me.
#3: I got proactive and made BB call a painter to give us estimates on some much-needed house projects. This is a gift to me because then people in our neighborhood won’t talk about us and give our house dirty looks and send our house to a therapist for self-esteem issues, which in turn makes me feel better. Whew.
#4: I actively re-routed some thoughts in my head after one person close to me said a thoughtless, hurtful thing. Instead of waiting until I went to sleep to pound her head in, I instead snatched the thought in my head, jerked it to the left and sent it down another path. Kind of it worked.
My panic and anxiety, y’all, are just leaps and bounds and over-the-rainbow and up in space and are light years away and better than last summer and fall. I can’t even begin to tell you what a difference I feel in myself. I go back and look at my posts from those months, and I recognize that girl but I don’t feel a wave of panic when I read what she wrote. Sure I’m still insecure, and sure it’s possible that I’m a closeted introvert trapped in an extrovert’s body, and yes, it could happen that an airplane ride or a conference room or a crowded wedding could give me a little shiver. Anything can happen.
What I have gifted to myself though is the greatest gift of all: recognizing that I have a problem, accepting that I can’t fix it myself, and seeking help for it at all costs. I know y’all raised your eyebrows on Monday when every answer on my list of questions was Drugs! Drugs! More drugs! Gimme drugs! and I understand. Plenty of people I know, family members included, can’t stand to take a pill for anything – let’s walk it off, drink it down, whatever, and forget about it. For me though, these drugs are my lifeline. They are as important to me as the air I breathe and the 8 glasses of water a day I don’t drink. I’ll tell you what they are later, but for now you should know that if I am able to function even 40% better than before, I have won an Olympic gold medal.
(And actually, I’d put myself at 65%, truth be told. BECAUSE I ROCK.)
Elizabeth,
Drugs are good. We are so used to hearing about the evils of meth, cocaine, ecstasy and all the BAD drugs, but you never hear people talk about the GOOD drugs. These are the drugs that allow people to live with diabetes, have their cancers cured, lower their life threatening blood pressure and live longer, happier and healthier lives. Would anyone tell these people that their drugs are a “crutch” and they shouldn’t take them? Not someone who loves you. I did not raise my eyebrows on Monday; I laughed and said “go girl” because I say the same thing almost every day.
Only a generation ago there were people in my family who suffered from depression, manic-depression (now called bipolar) and other diseases that affected their ability to live normal day to day lives. I’m sad that I never got a chance to see who they really were, but I’m glad now that I have a chance to show who I really am.
There is no weakness in recognizing our problems and taking steps to help ourselves.
Best,
Viv
So true, Vivian! I’m not sure why it took me so long to find them, or what people do without them, but effective (and correctly prescribed) medication is so important for people with diseases and disorders.
i love my drugs. i missed one day and felt all f-ed up. got my ass to the cvs faster than you can say “zoloft”
I know! I missed a few doses over Christmas and I was wackadoo. Batshit crazy.
woo hoo! i’m so glad you’re doing so well–you deserve all the happiness drugs can buy =) hehehe–maybe oneday i’ll get me some of them! let me know if you therapist has a bring a friend day!
Do it, I’m telling you: best thing I ever did EVER! And yes, on bring-a-friend day, you’re my girl.
Elizabeth, I happen to lovelovelove your blog and am on it pretty much every day (and have read all your archived posts- not a stalker, just bored at work
. I read this post and for the first time felt like I wanted to say something directly to you, ‘You are incredibly strong!’ You put all your ‘stuff’ out there in such a fun way and people then feel the right to judge you on it. You have guts, sister. I’m a firm believer in whatever it takes to make it through the day (with maybe a smile on your face) is worth it. If that happens to be what my good friend refers to as her ‘ happy pills’ or my rum and diet (or 7) or another friend’s medical pot for his back and anxiety then I say- do what you need to do! Life is not easy and we all struggle and anyone who says they don’t need a little help (be it medical, chemical, emotional etc.) is the one who needs it the most! Don’t let people think that just because they can read what you have to say (or insights into your life and being) that their opinions hold any weight in your life. Whatever you are doing it’s working and I cheers you (rum is soooo my ‘happy pill’ of choice – after work and never driving of course 
. Keep up the hilarious blog and I’m sending as much good ‘book deal’ joojoo as I can as I would love to see you in a book store! Thanks for the laughs! Jen in Olympia.
Thank you so much for reading, Jen, and for commenting. (Reading archived posts isn’t technically stalking by the way. Only taking pictures of me outside my work or feeding my cats antifreeze or something counts as that. I think.) Anyway, I appreciate you recognizing that I have some ballsy tendencies, which I try to keep in check some of the time. And thanks also for the book deal juju – keep it coming!
You are singing my tune. God bless you for not pouring alcohol on your anxiety. I can tell you from experience that it makes it worse. I’m a year and a half into my journey for sanity, and I still feel the urge to buy cigarettes (I’ve never smoked before), take pills, whatever it takes to keep the suffocating anxiety at bay. So glad I found your site – good to know there are others out there
You know what’s interesting about what you said, is that I have less of a taste for my beloved glasses of wine now than I did before I got on my medication. Don’t get me wrong: I love a good fun night as much as the next person. But for some reason I just don’t want it more often than I do.
I’m glad you found this site too, and I hope you can find some common ground here that helps you realize there are tons of people that fight this same battle.
What about the shot that has ricocheted around the world? you know what I’m talking about — botox!
what do you think about “look good” drugs?
Elizabeth, you just rock, sistergirl! I love your blog! And I love reading about your experiences. I have bad anxiety and ocd and depression and some days (like today), I feel like I just can’t take another second of it. You give me hope. Medication is a godsend, no doubt about it and it definitely makes me crazy when people judge those with mental illness for taking drugs when they would’t tell someone with a physical illness that they should go off theirs. Therapy is wonderful too and I’m so grateful to have a therapist who will communicate with me through email when I can’t afford a session. She’s amazing. Good luck on the continuing journey of healing mental illness…it’s hard but worth it!
Thank you so much, Sara. I’m sorry that you struggle with anxiety and depression, but know that you are not alone and that there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel, at least from where I sit. You’re so lucky to have a great therapist though – I think they’re worth all the money in the world.
You made me cry again!! Thanks Elizabeth! And thanks for responding to my comment, it’s good to be acknowledged.