Monthly Archives: February 2010

How do you define self-worth?

Posted by Elizabeth in Anxiety, Family

This afternoon Lucy and I were watching that incredibly philosophic show, What Not to Wear, and it was about a girl whose ex-husband had degraded her to the point that she no longer had any self esteem. This poor girl walked around in fake dreads and tutus so that she wouldn’t have to actually form an opinion of herself.

And I started to wonder how someone defines their self-worth. Is it important to you that you are recognized for your work? Does a compliment on your outfit or hair send your confidence soaring? Or do you need your family to appreciate you for who you are instead of who you could be, or who they want you to be?

The girl on the show – I think her name was Jessica – had a family that was trying so hard to help her see what was under the striped tights and goth t-shirts. They wanted her to look in the mirror and believe for herself that she is beautiful, hard as it may be.

I am not exploring this as a rhetorical conversation; I really want to know what you think. Tell me what it takes for you to say to yourself that you are truly a valuable person not only to the people in your life, but to the world as a whole?

(And if you don’t already think that, then you’re coming with me to therapy hour tomorrow afternoon.)

For the record, I don’t have answers to these questions. I love my family, and perhaps this isn’t exactly the way I should air my grievances, but I’ve been told my entire life that if I were smaller, if I were thinner, if I were able to fit into pretty clothes like everyone else, I would be someone special. It was suggested to me not that many years ago that the reason I was unemployed at the time was because of my appearance.

Partly because of that, along with many other things, I no longer know what value I have to the outside world. Sure I have friends that love me, and deep down I know my family loves me because they’re my family, but I still wonder every day of my life who’s judging me. The thing I hear most often about myself is that I’m funny, hilarious, clever, witty. I can make a joke at my own expense and endear myself to others, but I will never be taken seriously as long as I look different. I will always have a pair of eyes on me as I pass through the buffet line; I will always hear the girl across the room whisper to her friend what a shame it is that I turned out to be the fat black sheep.

I do not write this to garner pity or empathy or even a response. I write this because I want to relay my experience in hopes that you will share yours.

How do you define self worth?

Gifts to myself

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to, Anxiety, Good Stuff, Muse, Shopping, Totally normal, WTF?

I don’t think I’ve talked about my therapy lately, well, because normally I don’t recount every session here for you to read and judge. *Smiles!* But I will share last week’s with you because it got to me like this big long shovel, reaching down into my gut and digging out the old moldy stuff that makes me have allergies and not breathe sometimes.

We talked about my childhood – the beloved golden compass of therapy, the holy grail, the manna from heaven, and my girl got what she wanted: tears, lots and lots of tears. I’ve said before that I didn’t realize how angry I was at some things, and at first, I didn’t know at what or whom I was angry. But then I wrote a letter (and six more in my head) and then my counselor asked the right questions and then suddenly I was crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath, and I was remembering things I haven’t thought of since I was 8 and HOLY CRAP THIS WOMAN IS WORTH THE MONEY.

I really wish she read this, because she gets so many free compliments, it’s ridiculous.

I was so exhausted after that encounter that I went home and tried desperately to do more than wander around like a limp noodle, but I failed. She gave me some online surveys to take which basically measure your relationship to yourself and how you view your strengths and weaknesses. Turns out that I’m not my biggest fan, and also that my strengths are that I don’t actually kill people even when I want to. Go me!

So I guess from here on out one of our goals is to teach me to “love myself” or some other sparkly rainbow bullshit and that I should try to unlearn the learned behavior of self-deprecation and self-loathing. (I kind of just made that up.) I’ve decided to give myself some gifts.

#1: I finally used my Sephora gift card from Christmas and loaded myself up on products that no one in this life really needs (i.e. Kim Kardashian’s perfume. Don’t hate me, but it’s kind of awesome.) I wrote myself this note on the gift card in the package that said something like “yay for facing your fears” and then I put little x’s and o’s on it so I would feel like I’m making out with myself.

#2: I was really conscious over the weekend about staying on track and taking my medication (aka “DRUGS!”) as prescribed so that I didn’t have to play whack-a-mole with the anxiety that would try to pop up now and then. Again, go me.

#3: I got proactive and made BB call a painter to give us estimates on some much-needed house projects. This is a gift to me because then people in our neighborhood won’t talk about us and give our house dirty looks and send our house to a therapist for self-esteem issues, which in turn makes me feel better. Whew.

#4: I actively re-routed some thoughts in my head after one person close to me said a thoughtless, hurtful thing. Instead of waiting until I went to sleep to pound her head in, I instead snatched the thought in my head, jerked it to the left and sent it down another path. Kind of it worked.

My panic and anxiety, y’all, are just leaps and bounds and over-the-rainbow and up in space and are light years away and better than last summer and fall. I can’t even begin to tell you what a difference I feel in myself. I go back and look at my posts from those months, and I recognize that girl but I don’t feel a wave of panic when I read what she wrote. Sure I’m still insecure, and sure it’s possible that I’m a closeted introvert trapped in an extrovert’s body, and yes, it could happen that an airplane ride or a conference room or a crowded wedding could give me a little shiver. Anything can happen.

What I have gifted to myself though is the greatest gift of all: recognizing that I have a problem, accepting that I can’t fix it myself, and seeking help for it at all costs. I know y’all raised your eyebrows on Monday when every answer on my list of questions was Drugs! Drugs! More drugs! Gimme drugs! and I understand. Plenty of people I know, family members included, can’t stand to take a pill for anything – let’s walk it off, drink it down, whatever, and forget about it. For me though, these drugs are my lifeline. They are as important to me as the air I breathe and the 8 glasses of water a day I don’t drink. I’ll tell you what they are later, but for now you should know that if I am able to function even 40% better than before, I have won an Olympic gold medal.

(And actually, I’d put myself at 65%, truth be told. BECAUSE I ROCK.)

Another list of shit that I feel I should share with you

Posted by Elizabeth in Addiction to, Anxiety, Daily, Listing, Muse, Random Shit

Today is Monday. I didn’t sleep well, therefore I am lazy. Here is a list. I don’t know about you, but I’ve already forgotten 2009, what with it being the almost-end of February and all. This is a reminder.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Went to a psychiatrist.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Made some, forget them, couldn’t care less about them, didn’t make them this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Good God. You people need to stop over-populating this earth because you’re making the rest of us look bad.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
More people that I’d like to count.

5. What countries did you visit?
You mean like “out in the country?” Because I went plenty of places out in the country. I went to that one field with the horses, I went to that farm with the old barn…oh wait. You meant like other than the US. So, no.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A book deal.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Inauguration Day. My birthday. That’s it.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I went to get my head fixed. Oh, and I didn’t kill anybody. I always give myself props for that.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not killing anybody.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I suffer everyday from being hot all the time. And not in that I’m-too-sexy-for-this-cardigan way, but in the turn-up-the-goddamn-AC way.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Appliances. All of them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine.

14. Where did most of your money go?
To the town, who jacks up my utilities to over $500 a month. You simple bastards. You rotten thieves. I change my answer to #13 to the TOWN HALL.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Drugs.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
“Blame It on the Alcohol” because I do.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. It’s the drugs.
b) thinner or fatter? Like a burger?
c) richer or poorer? I don’t count my money. It’s better that way, because then I can’t honestly say whether or not you will get my payment on time.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Graduating.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Waiting around for Kelly Cutrone’s new show.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Of 2010? Fuck if I know.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Yes. With my shoes. All over again.

22. How many one-night stands?
Oh baby, I had the BEST one-night stand that one night back in 1998 with… Oh. Huh. Yeah. Just kidding.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
This question is just retarded.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Always! Don’t hate the game, hate the PLAYA.

25. What was the best book you read?
The Help. READ IT NOW.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
This question is also retarded.

27. What did you want and get?
Drugs.

28. What did you want and not get?
Drugs.

29. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
Yeah so, what movies came out again?

30. What did you do on your birthday?
Cowered in my office hiding from The Boogie Man.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
That book deal no one seems to want to give me.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Bah! My “concept” is that I’m pretty sure I don’t have one. My personal fashion is made up of a covetable shoe collection and some ugly-ass clothes.

33. What kept you sane?
Drugs.