So Internet, I’m about to show you my dirty little secret. The horrifying, disgusting thing I hide from everyone. The skeleton in my closet, so to speak. The thing that makes me want to bathe outside with the garden hose.

The bathrooms.

In our defense, let me start out by saying that our house was built in 1967 and still has all the original stuff. Except appliances and carpet, of course. That’s just nasty (to quote Teresa Guidice). What we do have are the original bathrooms, and since I wasn’t around in 1967, I can only assume that people in the olden days were exceptionally thin and bordered on miniature, and also didn’t have any belongings. Particularly of the bathroom variety.

Being the first-time homebuyers that we were in 2004, we didn’t know any better. We thought a nearly 2000 square-foot house was a mansion, and we thought that any bathroom that actually belonged to us was ALL KINDS OF AWESOME. Clearly we were stupid.

Our guest bathroom

Above is pictured our UH-MAZINGLY hideous guest bath. So to counteract all the aqua tile, we did this:

Magically, it still looks like this

We painted aqua straight up to the ceiling! Don’t you wish you were design geniuses like us? Don’t you? DON’T YOU? The “master” bath (I’m sorry, I die laughing every time I say that, because it is SMALLER than the guest bath) was so lovely and…orange.

The, uh, "master" bath

To change it up, we painted it like this:

I don't know what we were thinking, except NEUTRALIZE

And so finally, in 2010, I have made the executive decision to sell everything I own, including myself if I have to, to have a new bathroom. The guest bathroom I don’t care so much about. In fact, we could probably get that tile spray painted or something if we had to. Don’t know, don’t care.

But y’all, this 2×2 bathroom has GOT to go. For one, BB has to come out of it before I can go in, and vice versa. The shower door hits the bathroom counter and cannot be opened all the way. The toilet, oh GOD how I wish I had a picture of the toilet, is orange and has a Navajo themed toilet seat cover. Like literally the top of the toilet is plastic and has a design SEWN IN. I wish I were lying to you. Seriously.

The cabinets are minute and all gross and cardboardy and need to be painted desperately except no one can fit into that tiny space to actually GET to the cabinets and so they remain that way. The tile in the shower…well, I can’t even post that here. The tile on the floor is orange and beige? we think? and the grout is some unidentifiable slop color. There is one towel bar. We play rock paper scissors every week to see who gets to use it. The other one drops towels on the floor because they’re the perfect size for a BATH RUG in this piece.

So I think that after almost 6 years of living in a cave that is so very small we feel the need to duck when we walk in, I deserve a new bathroom. I deserve some decent closet space. I deserve to feel like my bathrooms don’t have it in for me.

Now it’s your job to help me convince BB that this is completely necessary in my life. Because you do, right? I don’t know where y’all went yesterday on List Monday but COME BACK! Come give me good arguments to give BB so he doesn’t divorce me over some tile. 1, 2, 3…GO!