Here’s a Monday list for ya: Over the weekend something fatastically awesome happened and suddenly I have readers OUT THE WAZOO! (For those of you that can check these things, my numbers are still teensy compared to yours, but it’s MY VICTORY!) Anyway, here’s where I think all of my new readers have come from:

1. A 16-year coma.

2. Out of an Ambien-induced fog.

3. Lady Gaga has put her rabids out to explore the ENTIRE Internet. (Hint: Only ABDPBT readers will probably get that, but that’s OK because that means you all are on this list, too.)

4. E! Online wrote a post about Rachel Zoe with her skinny, teeninsy, bony, leathery self, and showed a picture of her in a bikini and – OH GOD – excuse me because I need to toss my breakfast now. Nothing against Zoe, in fact I kind of love her, but only when she’s covered up head-to-toe and is behind enormous sunglasses. I showed a skeletal picture of her not too far back and apparently THE OTHERS have found it.

5. You’ve been hiding in the Heene balloon and therefore have been confined to Larry King Live for months and months.

6. Out from uh, under, Tiger Woods. Welcome back to reality.

7. With college football behind us and Carolina basketball sucking before us, you fled to the Internet and found comfort with me. You’re welcome.

8. Your Snuggie melted, your gas logs burned out and the only place warm enough in your house is in front of your laptop. I’m here for you, Internet, I’m here for you.

9. You’ve just been released from Celebrity Rehab. Congratulations! Hey, what was Heidi Fleiss really like?