It’s been said, not very eloquently, that I have a hard time keeping my face from scrunching itself in such a way that everyone knows exactly what I’m thinking. All the time. And you know, it’s not really my fault. My face just involuntarily makes these expressions and I can’t help it if you’re stupid, or acting like a moron, and one look at my face tells you exactly that. So here, Internet, is a list of reasons why you sometimes are on the receiving end of my stink eye.

1. You throw a temper tantrum because you didn’t get any presents at the birthday party. It’s NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY. I don’t care if you’re only four – build a bridge. Get over it. Man up.

2. You stare at my outfit, looking me up and down, and I know what you’re thinking, that you wouldn’t be caught dead in this. That’s okay with me. I wouldn’t be caught dead married to your husband.

3. You ring me up at the cash register, but find it incredibly hard to a) speak or b) make eye contact with me. I know I look like the Hungry Hippo, but I won’t bite. I swear.

4. You insist on sleeping directly in between my legs. No ifs, ands or buts. You weigh 13 lbs. THAT IS A LOT OF POUNDS when I’m trying to sleep. I don’t care if you’re cute, you still get the stink eye when the alarm goes off.

5. You send me forwards and/or email solicitations for money you know I don’t have. And okay, so maybe you can’t exactly see my stink eye through the World Wide Web of Destruction, but I know it’s there and that’s good enough for me.

6. You seem to be talking to me. But you’re not. You’re talking to someone on that stupid Bluetooth earpiece thing, and now I feel stupid because I said something in reply to what I thought was a question directed to me but what was in fact a rhetorical question to the person on the other end of that earpiece thing.

7. You ignore my text messages. Again, you can’t see the stink eye, BUT IT’S THERE.

8. You make me repeat myself two or three times because you can’t hear. I stopped being sensitive to this years ago. Now it just annoys me.

9. You mistakenly believe that because I’m here to help you, I am here to do it for you. I’m not. Do it yourself.

10. You eat the last of the really good leftovers, knowing full well that I don’t like leftovers, and so these were really special leftovers. Now I have to run out and get lunch. STINK.

11. You wear open toe shoes with an outfit that is clearly from your winter collection. I can’t help the stink eye here, I just can’t. People should know better, man.

12. You put an empty milk carton back in the refrigerator. Grrrrrr.

13. You laught at my attempts to be organized and clutter-free.

14. You stare at me with glazed-over eyes when I talk about my brackets. Again, maybe I should be more sensitive to those that don’t watch college basketball, but I just can’t. It’s WEIRD!

15. You stare back at me in the mirror in the mornings and you look tired and cranky. Tired and cranky gets the stink eye every time.